


You Want Me To Teach What?!

by Intangibel (duskbutterfly)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - All Human, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Closeted Alec, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Lightwood Siblings Feels, M/M, Magnus is proving science and magic aren't so different, Malec, Mutual Pining, POV Alec Lightwood, Slow Burn, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, but about to venture out, celebrating diversity, raj is very good at his job, sexual education classes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-09-06 05:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8736892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duskbutterfly/pseuds/Intangibel
Summary: As a middle school English Literature teacher at The Institute, Alec was pretty happy with his job. He liked the students, he liked the classes he taught and he liked the rest of the teachers, especially the Head of the Science Department, Magnus Bane. Magnus made teaching science look like magic and he also happened to be the most beautiful man Alec had ever met. But because Alec's still firmly in the closet, he's stuck thinking that all it can ever be is a crush. But then a last minute request to be a substitute teacher with Magnus Bane makes him start to think that just maybe, his future path might not be so fixed after all. That his daydreams of being more to Magnus than just a colleague, might not be so impossible after all. [Or where Alec gets asked to supervise the 'All of Us: Understanding Gender Diversity, Sexual Diversity and Intersex Topics' seminar with Magnus because no-one else can & he starts to think he might not need to hide his sexuality forever.]





	1. You're the Only One Who Can

**Author's Note:**

> I want to say a huge thank you to @LadyMatt who beta'd this for me and provided amazing support and guidance, as always. She's the reason this hasn't ended up on the scrap heap of ideas I wasn't quite brave enough to completely back myself on.
> 
> Secondly, the [Safe Schools Programme](http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org.au) & the [All of Us](https://www.studentwellbeinghub.edu.au/docs/default-source/all-of-us-online-version-may-2016-v3-pdfa8c146fe405c47b9989542b9040a5b90.pdf?sfvrsn=0) learning package in this fic are real and are part a wonderful program being run in schools in Australia. It aims to teach all kids 13+ about building and maintaining safe, healthy and respectful relationships; increasing empathy and understanding of all types of diversity, and reducing bullying, discrimination and harassment in schools and in the broader community. The links above lead to more information on the program & you can also find the videos that accompany the program [here](https://www.studentwellbeinghub.edu.au/docs/default-source/all-of-us-online-version-may-2016-v3-pdfa8c146fe405c47b9989542b9040a5b90.pdf?sfvrsn=0) which tell the personal stories of young adults who have lived experience of gender diversity, sexual diversity, and intersex and their journeys towards understanding and accepting themselves and being accepted by their communities. 
> 
> ps. If you haven't already figured it out, I am Australian and I went to school in Australia. The closest I've ever come to an American classroom was when I went on a 6-week exchange to a school in Canada, that meant I was on the right continent at least but it didn't really help here. I accept full responsibility for probably getting the US school system wrong. Google only helps so much.

Alec was sitting in his office eating lunch and chatting to Izzy about what they had planned for the Christmas break when they were interrupted by a timid knock at the door. They were mid-debate on the pros and cons of staying in the Lightwood Mansion from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day versus booking themselves a hotel room and the three of them (Jace had promised he would be there too) bunking together and only going up to the house just in time for Christmas lunch, when Alec got up to answer the door and found himself face-to-face with one of the boys from his 8th Grade English Literature class. He was a good kid. Intelligent, with an impish sense of humour that meant Alec almost always kept an eye and ear tuned to his every move but his pranks almost always involved making the other kids laugh at his antics, rather than at any of the other kids, so Alec rarely needed to intervene.

“Hi, Mister Lightwood! Mister Bane asked me if I’d give you this,” Charlie said shoving a note into Alec’s hands as he smiled up at him, “he said to tell you that ‘he’s sorry but Miss Branwell had to go home sick.’”

Resisting the almost overpowering urge to raise an eyebrow at the messenger or ask to why it should make any particular difference to  _him_ whether Lydia was at school today or not, Alec smiled and took the note.

“Thanks, Charlie.”

“Bye Mister Lightwood, see you after lunch,” Charlie said brightly and with a wave, he was off at a run.

Confused and a little bit intrigued, because he definitely wasn’t supposed to be teaching Charlie till Wednesday and today was Monday, Alec closed the door and went back to sit beside Izzy, staring down at the note he’d been given.

The fact that Magnus still used handwritten written notes rather than using electronic means to track down teachers was one of the things that Alec quietly admired about the Head of the Science Department. Alec never tired of seeing his name printed in that bold curling handwriting that was reminiscent of old-fashioned copperplate and would have made most calligraphers green with envy.

“Are you going to sit there for the rest of lunch admiring his penmanship Alec or are you going to open it?” Izzy asked teasingly.

Startled that he’d managed to somehow completely forget Izzy was there, Alec hurriedly opened the envelope, intentionally not looking at Izzy for fear of blushing at the knowing expression she paired with that tone. Izzy was one of the only people who not only knew that Alec was gay but also that he’d had a crush on Magnus Bane since the first time he’d seen him teaching, two years earlier. The first time had been when he’d just been offered a teaching role at The Institute and been taken on a tour by the Headmaster’s personal assistant, Raj who was in charge of most of the day-to-day scheduling and coordination of the middle school staff. Alec had been amazed by the way Magnus held his class enthralled as though he was performing magic rather than teaching chemistry but he couldn’t help feel the same fascinated wonder he saw on each of the student’s faces every time he was in the same room as him. Everything about him was extraordinary, from his incredibly unique sense of style to his ability to discuss with depth and encyclopedic knowledge, not just science but art, history and literature, and Alec felt drawn to him like a moth to a flame.  Alec gave his head a quick shake as though to clear away the distracting thoughts about the man himself and turned his attention to quickly scanning the note in front of him.

 

**_To Alexander Lightwood,_ **

**_As you may or may not be aware Lydia Branwell was supposed to be co-facilitating the grade 8 ‘Safe Schools Program’ seminar 2 of ‘All of Us: Understanding Gender Diversity, Sexual Diversity and Intersex Topics’ with me this afternoon._ **

**_I trust Charlie did remember to explain that she, unfortunately, has had to go home sick this afternoon and when I consulted Raj, he informed me that you are the only teacher who has the requisite free periods this afternoon to be able to fill it._ **

**_I apologise for putting you in a potentially uncomfortable situation, I know that despite your support of the initiative, the Safe Schools Program is not one everyone is as comfortable teaching as I am but I’m afraid you’re my only hope to prevent it from being cancelled. I feel that the health and wellbeing of our students is paramount so I’m hoping you’ll agree to come along to enable us to meet the mandatory student-teacher ratios._ **

**_The seminar starts at 1pm and runs till 3pm and is being held in classroom 1 of The Whitelaw Centre._ **

**_I want to stress that I am_ ** **not expecting** ** _you to_ ** **participate** **_in any way except crowd control but I would consider it a personal favour if you did agree to come._ **

 

**_Magnus Bane_ **

 

Alec read the letter more slowly a second time, fighting down a moderate level of panic and hoping he’d completely misunderstood it the first time. He was a strong advocate for the Safe Schools Program and had wished constantly during the mandatory training that there’d been something similar when he’d been in school because his life might have taken quite a different path if it had. But that didn’t change the fact that as a mostly closeted gay man who had a crush on the main facilitator, he would rather mark every single student in the entire school’s end of year exam paper than facilitate that class.

“ALEC!”

Alec jumped as he felt Izzy shoving him gently as her worried voice finally broke into his panicked thoughts. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there staring at the note but if the worried expression on her face was anything to go by, it’d been far too long and this wasn’t the first time she’d tried to get his attention. Unable to bear the expression in her eyes Alec had transferred his gaze back to the note in his hands.

“What’s in that note, Alec? You’ve gone deathly pale, mi hermano, is Magnus ill or something?” Izzy asked urgently.

“Lydia can’t teach the Safe Schools Program seminar this afternoon with Magnus because she’s gone home sick,” Alec’s voice was rough and so quiet that if Izzy hadn’t been so close she couldn’t possibly have heard him, “apparently I’m the only person who’s - who’s - got the free periods to co-facilitate it and if I don’t go, it will be cancelled.”

Alec knew from Izzy’s sharp inhalation and her quiet but no less vehement string of Spanish swear words that she understood exactly what kind of jam he’d been placed in.

“I don’t have any choice Iz,” Alec sighed, resigning himself to this cruel and twisted fate.

“But Alec-“ Izzy said leaping to his defence as her hand moved swiftly to rest on his knee in a gesture of support and reassurance.

“It’s okay, Iz. You know what this program means to me, I can’t deny any of those kids access to it just because - because I’m not exactly -“ Alec sighed, frustrated at his own inability to articulate his thoughts, “I can make it through a couple of hours as crowd control, Iz. Magnus said he’ll run it and do all the talking, I just have to go to make sure it doesn’t get cancelled. But who knows, maybe this will turn out to be a good thing? Like a second chance, to see what it could be like if I ever want to… start being more open?”

 _“_ I just wish-“ Izzy started but stopped again when her eyes met Alec’s and she saw both the pain and the resolution there, “you’re right. You can do this, Alec. Just take some papers to grade or one of those ridiculously complicated philosophical texts you love that you can focus on if listening to Magnus and the students gets too much. If you sit behind the kids, they’ll never know and I’m sure Magnus would understand. And I’m just a few classrooms away if -”

Izzy’s speech was cut off by the sound of the bell ringing and for a moment after it finished neither of them said anything, consumed by their own thoughts of the session to come. Alec’s alternating between an edgy disquiet at the subject matter, to a fluttering excitement at the thought of getting to openly watch Magnus teach for two hours, to a slightly breathless feeling of needing to still hide the true extent of his admiration of the man. It was going to be a long and confusing couple of hours Alec concluded.

“Thanks, Iz,” Alec said as he got up, turning away from her to gather up some work to grade and one of his favourite philosophy tomes.

Seeing Alec was getting ready to leave, Izzy put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, “we’ll talk about it later ok? I’ll order pizza and we can pick up ice cream on the way home.”

Alec couldn’t think of how to put into words what her support meant to him, so he nodded, knowing she’d understand. He made it all the way to the door before doubling back and switching his tome for his well-thumbed copy of ‘Sophie’s World’. He’d promised to review this weekend for the school magazine to help explain why introducing philosophical theory to teenagers wasn’t as impossible as everyone seemed to think it was and why they included it on the English Lit curriculum as an extension piece so he may as well get started on it.

 

* * *

 

“Alexander!”

Alec couldn’t help the way his breath caught when he heard Magnus calling his name from behind him as he crossed the quad towards the main entry to The Whitelaw Centre. Taking a moment to compose himself Alec turned, smiling more genuinely than he would have thought possible just a moment before as he noticed anew just how gorgeous Magnus was up close.

“Hi, Magnus,” Alec said simply, eternally grateful he’d gotten past the stuttering mess he’d been the first couple of times he’d tried to talk to Magnus. He’d gotten used to it, even found himself enjoying talking to the man but he wasn’t about to test his luck any further today by trying to impress Magnus with his conversation skills.

“I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to say thank you properly before we got in there, you really are a lifesaver and I owe you one. If you ever need anything at all,” Magnus said sincerely before his voice lightened and he continued, “well, you know where to find me. I haven’t moved office since the last time you visited.” His tone somehow seemed to imply that they were friends and that just ‘dropping by’ Magnus’ office for a chat was a perfectly normal and regular thing for Alec to do, even though it wasn’t.  

Alec shrugged, “it’s an important program and you needed me, so I’m here.”

Before Alec had a chance to do more than realise he’d accidentally said ‘needed _me_ ’ and not ‘needed _someone_ ’ and even begin to figure out whether he could clarify that without making a bigger mess, Magnus had started talking again.

“I do need you, Alexander. You’re my knight in shining armour today.”

Alec blinked, wondering if he’d zoned out for a second and his mind had supplied the phrase he wanted to hear instead of the actual words Magnus had said. Magnus’ expression suggested he actually might have said them, he was certainly looking at Alec like he was some kind of saviour, but Magnus kept talking so Alec had to set aside that question for analysis later. Much later.

“Now, I know you're familiar with the content of the ‘All of Us’ package and you’ve done the training but I want to stress I’m not expecting you to take Lydia’s place, just being there is more than enough. But, if you do decide at any point you want to contribute then I’m sure the students would welcome another perspective -?“ Magnus trailed off with a soft questioning expression that looked almost hopeful.

“Thanks, but um -” Alec said hurriedly, “I think I'll just sit and - um - listen with the students for this session. If that’s - that’s okay with you?”

“Absolutely fine,” Magnus said nodding reassuringly, “if it’s alright with you, how about: I thank you at the beginning and say that you’re going to be sitting in on the session today because Miss Branwell isn’t here but explain that you don’t normally run this program so you are here to listen and learn with everyone else rather than answering questions?”

“Yeah,” Alec said, releasing a breath he hadn’t even realised he was holding, “that - that sounds great.”

“They’re pretty good but they’re still learning about sensitivity so we do get the occasional curve ball question and but the policy Lydia and I have is that we’ll take and answer any question but we use them as a teaching opportunity to help kids frame their questions in the most respectful and sensitive way and help them understand which questions or terms might be seen as ‘unhelpful’ or ‘disrespectful’ to ask someone other than an educator or support person. But if you get asked a question, I’ll refocus the attention on me and remind the student’s of your role and that we don’t assume that everyone wants to discuss their sexuality or gender or intimacy and relationships more broadly with us. It’ll give you time to wave at me if you think ‘YES! I’ll take that one, random question’ but otherwise, I’ll do my best to take the question and answer it from my personal perspective.”

Alec was tempted to say that hell was more likely to freeze over than him deciding to field questions he didn’t necessarily know the answers to or potentially hadn’t ever discussed with anyone before but he decided that was better left unsaid. Something of his thoughts must have shown up in his expression though because the corner of Magnus’ mouth quirked up and humour danced in his eyes for a moment before he reverted to that calm matter of factness that made him the perfect facilitator for this particular course.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a private person, Alexander. It’s really no different than my choice to be a very open person on certain topics and less so on others. It’s just that, your choice: who you tell what to and what topics discuss. I tell all the students I’m also available as a support person if they want to discuss anything with me in private and I would like to extend that to you, as a friend, on any topic. If you ever need someone to listen, I’m actually pretty good at that.”

“Mister Bane?”

Alec was saved from having to reply by one of their student’s coming running down the flight of stairs leading to the Whitelaw Centre.

“Mister Bane, you’re not cancelling class, are you? People are saying Miss Branwell isn’t here today.”

Alec couldn’t immediately think of the girl’s name but he could only shake his head and smile at her plaintive tone, only Magnus Bane could make a student sound _disappointed_ about the prospect of a class being cancelled.

“No, Lucy, we’ll be there in a minute,” Magnus promised and Alec had the opportunity to witness from up-close the way Magnus’ shifted from colleague to teacher, which somehow made him seem larger than life. He seemed to become more vibrant and interesting than everything around him.

And yet, after the conversation they’d just had, where Magnus had been focusing all of his attention just on him, Alec realised that the charismatic teacher might not be half as dangerous to his peace of mind as the man who offered friendship and understanding.

 

* * *

 

Although Alec had set himself up at the back of the seminar room to work and even written a quick structure for his book review he had found himself setting aside Sophie’s World. His interest in a fictional girl’s journey to understand some of the pillars of philosophical thinking paled in comparison to his interest in watching the young students before him open their minds to new ways of thinking about topics which had previously seemed simple and clearcut and suddenly they were seeing the facets of their world’s paradigms.

When they watched a video of a young lesbian woman talking about her experiences of her journey from understanding to expressing her sexuality openly at school, Alec found himself studying their reactions. It was incredible to watch their faces as they transitioned through different stages of listening, beginning to understand, having questions or doubts, getting clarification and then starting to gain confidence with exploring this new perspective or idea. Alec wondered whether anyone had written a paper on the application of philosophical theorem to children who are introduced to paradigm shifting knowledge around their concepts of diversity in relation to sexuality and gender identity.

But even his academic curiosity was overcome by the experience of listening to some of the same teenagers who point-blank refused to discuss their thoughts, feelings or reactions to the material they covered in literature starting to express how it might make them feel if they thought they were different from what was expected as “normal”. Alec found himself enthralled by the different ways they spoke about their thoughts on what fears a gay or lesbian person might have about coming out. Hearing these kids talking about the very thoughts he still struggled with, in the context of how they could work together to make this school and their year level a place where all people felt accepted and welcomed was almost more than he could cope with. These kids spoke about making a place where a person who currently identified or thought they might identify in the future as either sexually or gender diverse would feel supported to explore their sexual or gender diversity without having to pick a single identity and stick with it or be subjected to discrimination if it was still fluid or evolving. He couldn’t help comparing their words to the words he’d heard his parents and the kids he went to school with use and finding a kind of hope he’d never felt before. A hope that it wouldn’t always have to be just Izzy, Jace and Max who knew he was gay. A hope that he could have a community of people around him who acknowledged, supported and encouraged him to express himself as a gay man, whenever he was ready. A hope that there would be people who acknowledged his experiences and fears as valid and asked how they could support him better. A hope that him being gay might be something which was as accepted and unremarkable one day as his having brown eyes rather than blue.  

 

 

“Mister Bane, can I ask you a question about what it’s like having had partners of both male and female genders?” One of the students asked and as promised, Magnus began to answer her in a way Alec found both insightful and sensitive, weaving his education of the appropriateness of that question outside of the classroom in seamlessly.

“Mister Lightwood, can you tell us what it’s like having partners who are all of a single gender? I mean, does it seem any different when you think about your different partners and what makes them different as people?”

Alec had been so interested in Magnus’ answers and the way he was able to express and articulate his thoughts about his attraction to and intimate relationships with people from both male and female gender that it hadn’t occurred to him that the skill he’d taught his students in comparing and contrasting narratives and viewpoints would come back to bite him. His first reaction was shock. It wasn’t that it was the first question that had been directed at him. No, the shock was that he could actually answer that question without needing to explain that he was gay. In the context of the question, he was attracted to a single gender while Magnus was attracted to more than one gender. And yet he also felt, for the first time ever, convinced that if he were to come out at this very moment he would be safe from abuse and that the odds that he would be accepted - in this room at least - were the kind you could take to the bank. It was a thought that simultaneously thrilled and terrified him. It didn’t change the fact that not everyone in this school or his broader life were in this classroom or shared these values but it suggested that one day, maybe sooner than he’d ever thought, this school might be a safe place for him to express his sexuality openly. And he found himself wanting to give a different kind of answer than the one that he and Magnus had discussed.

With a strange sense of self-assurance, he caught Magnus’ eye and nodded ever so slightly that he had something to add, feeling the corner of his mouth lift up as he saw something akin to pride flare in Magnus’ eyes in response. With measured movements Alec got up from his chair at the back and walked round to stand at the front of the room, choosing a chair about 5-feet from where Magnus was sitting and moving it into more like 3-feet from him.

Now that the floor had been opened to him Alec felt that slight tightening of his throat — and focused on the fact that he spoke to and in front of these kids on a daily basis and he was damn good at it. He hadn’t stuttered in front of a class since he was a student and he wasn’t starting today.

“While I’m not going to directly answer Tom’s question, I will explain why not in the hope that it might make it easier to understand what Mr Bane has been trying to explain about why we don’t assume everyone is equally comfortable discussing issues relating to sexuality or intimacy. How some people might be very open and are able and willing to expand on this topic as eloquently as Mr Bane while others might shy away from or be less willing to engage in that type of discussion. I’m going to try to explain my own reasons in the hope that it might help you think of different ways people might view this topic and how that might affect whether they want to discuss it with people other than their partner. I think of my sexual relationships as being a something which is primarily about my deep and private connection to my partner and any physical expression of that connection as being fundamentally about the feelings we share for one another. I don’t necessarily find it easy to express the depth of those emotions to anyone except my partner and, to a slightly lesser degree to my siblings who I’m very close to. Although it’s important that my partner and I to discuss our relationship and our previous relationships I don’t feel like it’s something I want or need to discuss in detail with anyone else. Trying to discuss it with others often makes me feel uncomfortable or vulnerable because I’m aware of an instinct to keep that information to myself. Another reason I tend to avoid discussing it is out of a sense of protecting the privacy of my partner and myself, by not discussing the thoughts and feelings and actions we share with others without their permission in case part of what I tell someone is something they would rather remain between us. So I would like to suggest to you that you might all like, at some point, to reflect on the Who, When, Where, What, How and Why of discussing your feelings and actions.”

Alec paused, gathering his thoughts for a moment before ticking them off on his fingers: ”I think it’s important to think about: **who** you feel comfortable and uncomfortable talking to; **what** information you do and don’t want to tell them and in how much detail; **how** you tell that information to them - whether it’s verbal or written, face-to-face or not and what words you might use; **where** you talk or write to the person and whether it is possible that you could be overheard or your words read by someone other than the person it’s intended for and whether that matters; **when** you discuss this with others - whether it is before or after something has happened or you want to happen; and I also really encourage you to think about **why** you are sharing this information - is it to help you understand something, to share your feelings or experiences with someone, is it to ask for help / support or guidance, is it to reciprocate when someone has shared something with you.”

Alec was surprised to see how many of the students were nodding or considering what he had to say, which made him extend his explanation a little more. “It’s okay to tell different people different amounts of information about the same event or to tell the same person more or less at different times or for different reasons. None of those choices is better or worse or more _right_ than any of the others, they’re just things to consider to help you make the choices that best match your needs at that time. You can always reflect and learn from it if it doesn’t go the way you wanted or you think afterwards that you would like to do something different next time. Also, just because someone doesn’t want to share, doesn’t necessarily influence whether they will want to offer you support and listen to you when you want to tell them something. For instance, my siblings are very open and both want and need to talk about these things and I enjoy being their sounding board because I know how important it is to them. Yes, there are also times when it feels like I get too much detail but we’ve developed a good system of them respecting each other's boundaries unless it’s something that they feel is really important that we need to talk about.”

“Okay, so I’m going to hand this back over to Mr Bane now and -“ Alec was relieved when the bell rang cutting off the end of his sentence. He was glad that he had contributed but at the same time, he actually didn’t necessarily want to be there for further discussion of the things he’d said with the students.

That he’d have to discuss it with both Magnus and Izzy was something which was only now starting to really sink in as the students grabbed their books and bags and joined the loud and crazy rush towards freedom.

Alec wished rather guiltily that he could rush out after them. But he knew he had to stay. Stay and find words to say to Magnus despite all of the thoughts and feelings that were rushing through his head, confusing him with their intensity and their diversity.


	2. An Anchor For This Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec turns to Izzy for support as he starts to work through his own reaction to the seminar and to get closer to Magnus in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so much longer than I expected, I feel like it's important to get these scenes right. This chapter was significantly longer than I anticipated and got completely rewritten at one stage when I changed the order of the scenes for chapter 2 & 3\. Fortunately, that means that Chapter 3 will be ready soon so there won't be such a long break between chapters. :) as always, thanks to @ladymatt for her endless patience and excellent advice.

**Chapter 2: An Anchor For This Storm**

 

“You never cease to amaze me, Alec.”

Magnus’ words rolled over Alec like warm honey and he paused mid-reach, forgetting for a moment that he was supposed to be packing up his things, and just enjoying being the centre of Mangus’ attention. Alec had his back turned to Magnus but he could hear the smile in his voice and paused squeezing his eyes shut, willing away the blush that threatened to spread across his cheeks at having been the cause of that particular smile. Alec turned his head slowly, taking a peek over his shoulder at the exceptional man who was leaning oh so casually against the wall next to the SmartBoard they’d been using earlier. The board that had been filled with affirmations and support saying it was okay to be gay, okay to be figuring out your sexuality, okay to be out but also okay to wait until you were ready to come out or never formally come out at all. That it was your choice and you’d be supported, whatever choice you made. The sentences were gone now but Alec could still feel their impact as though they’d been written on his heart. Seeing Magnus’ welcoming smile Alec put down his papers and turned around fully, sitting on the edge of the table and taking the time just to look at Magnus from across the room. Allowing himself to look directly at Magnus now that they were alone without worrying about others taking note of his interest and guessing it was more personal than professional.

“Yeah, I - I kind of surprised myself actually,” Alec said finally, amazed that even though he still felt unsettled, now that he was facing Magnus he no longer wanted to rush out of the classroom and never come back. But he was glad of the width of the room between them. It might not be the bravest thought but he felt safer over here, less tempted to find out just how open that offer of support and friendship was. The rawness of his feelings made him want to reach out and - well he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do but over here at least he couldn’t embarrass himself by doing something stupid like suddenly deciding he needed a hug. Which, now that he’d thought of it, he really did want a hug and as much as he loved his sister, she wasn’t the first person that sprung to mind to get one from. But he and Magnus weren’t like that. Alec wasn’t even completely sure if they could be counted as friends, so he’d just stay over here and get one from Izzy later. And try not to think about how incredible it would be to be hugged by Magnus or how he felt any time Magnus used his full name. Which brought Alec’s mind back to the class they’d just had and everything he’d said and the feeling of being overwhelmed and confused by his emotions began to rise again.   

“That was an important insight you offered the students today,” Magnus said breaking the comfortable silence between them with a thoughtfulness that removed some of the tension building in Alec’s chest, “there is so much pressure to share every aspect of our lives, so much focus on knowing what’s happening in other people’s lives. It’s always been there, especially in schools, but what’s different now is that where once children were taught that it is rude and sometimes hurtful to talk about others or to pry into their business, now it’s almost universally reinforced and implicitly encouraged. Your thoughts will make them consider the option of not owing anyone information about themselves, their feelings or their actions. And, when we are actively trying to change school culture to prevent bullying and harassment, what better first step do we have than telling listeners ‘don’t pry’ and telling speakers ‘consider who you feel comfortable and uncomfortable talking to’? You may not have come today with any intention of contributing to the class, Alexander, but I am thankful you changed your mind.”

Alec wanted to say _something_. Anything. But it felt like all his words had been stolen from him. It was so frustrating! He felt his confusion rising along with a familiar panic. He needed to say something. He wanted to. There was so much he wanted to say. So many thoughts. So many feelings. He wanted this moment with Magnus. Wanted to keep the warm glow of hope that had kindled inside him as Magnus spoke. Magnus understood and shared Alec’s thoughts on why sometimes it’s important to hold your tongue. Which made it was so damn ironic that now when he most desperately wanted to speak and he could not force the words from his open lips. Alec tried, his mouth opening and closing, but when still no sound came he turned away, hiding a scarlet flush which tinted his cheeks in shame. With rough and hurried movements he gathered everything he’d brought with him, it was so stupid! He was not a child and yet -

“It’s been a long and tiring day, Alec, for both of us.”

The gentleness and understanding in Magnus’ tone tugged on Alec’s heartstrings, what he wouldn’t give to be able to share his thoughts with him! Clutching his possessions to his chest with one arm like a shield, Alec turned, his eyes meeting Magnus’ and he was shocked to see a certain vulnerability there.

“Perhaps we can discuss this another time?” Magnus’ question was meant to be light but there was a certain edge to it which cut deep into Alec’s heart.

“I - I -,” Alec stuttered, fueling his own frustration. He blew out a breath, shutting his eyes and tried again, “Yes.” His last word came out as a whisper but as his eyes slid open again he could see the flare of recognition in Mangus’ eyes and knew that he’d been heard, “I - sorry. I should - you know -”

“Go home?” Magnus asked, gently cutting off Alec’s painfully inadequate words with a small smile, “I understand. I’ll see you tomorrow, Alexander.”

Alec nodded again, one corner of his own lips tugging up as he moved towards the door. His long strides ate up the distance in no time and when he reached the door he allowed himself one last glance back at Magnus, who hadn’t moved from his spot next to the board, looking back at him with that small hopeful smile. In his mind, he heard the words Magnus had said to him before class, _“I tell all the students I’m also available as a support person if they want to discuss anything with me in private and I would like to extend that to you, as a friend, on any topic. If you ever need someone to listen, I’m actually pretty good at that.”_ It was as though he was standing on a precipice, as though this was a chance that might fade away if he left now, with so much unsaid hanging between them.

Alec turned back, not even really allowing himself time to question the impulse and asked, "when you said you'd listen if I ever wanted to discuss anything with you? Well, I - I think - I'd like that. To talk to you I mean. This isn't really the best place and I think I need some time but maybe - another day?"

Alec wasn't prepared for the way that small smile transformed, spreading across Magnus’ whole face and lighting up his eyes at his words. He'd thought Magnus was attractive before but now, smiling at him like that, he was breathtaking.

“I'd like that, Alexander,” Magnus paused as though weighing his words but his smile never faltered, “there’s this small coffee place a couple of miles from here, I go there sometimes if I need to unwind, away from everything. It's busy enough that no one ever seems to notice anyone else and just far enough from school that I've never run into anyone I know there. Perhaps you'd like to join me one afternoon?”

Alec felt his heart start to race as he saw the hope in Magnus' eyes and heard the sincerity behind his offer to share this secret spot with him, away from prying eyes, in order to listen to him. Alec could feel the adrenaline start to flood through his system as he nodded, his smile mirroring Magnus’.

“Okay. Yeah, coffee sounds good,” Alec agreed, surprised by the lightness he felt now that he'd decided, although some of that was probably the adrenaline providing a false sense of buoyancy through this storm of emotion. It didn’t feel like this was real, but he wanted it to be. “When - when would suit you?” Alec asked hesitantly, trying not to think about the fact he was making plans with Magnus so he didn’t completely freeze again.

“How about, Friday? That way neither of us will need to worry about getting home early to complete work for the next day,” Magnus asked, with the confidence Alec often envied.

As soon as he heard Magnus say Friday Alec felt a sudden flash of panic - what if he wasn’t ready? Some part of that distress must have shown on his face because Magnus added, “and if that ends up being too soon, we can find another time,” before he’d even had a chance to try and put that doubt into words.

“Thanks. Yeah, let’s - let’s do Friday,” Alec agreed, relieved that he’d be able to postpone it if he needed more time. Now that it had been organised, Alec could feel the adrenaline that had made it possible to get this far starting to drain away and the thoughts that had overwhelmed him earlier started to flood back in. “I should - Izzy’s waiting,” Alec said apologetically, suddenly desperate to be back in the sanctuary of his office.

“Have a good night, Alexander,” Magnus said, continuing to smile at him, as though completely unfazed by his abrupt change of topic.

“Goodnight,” Alec replied turning away again and this time he did not pause as he exited.   

 

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It took Alec two episodes of Izzy’s favourite tv show, four slices of pizza and a glass of red wine before he was even close to being ready to discuss what had happened in the seminar. He’d been surprised that Izzy hadn’t even hinted at the topic once. Not even when, rather than coming out and meeting her at the car like he always did, he’d stayed in his office staring into space after the seminar. He hadn’t even put down the things he’d taken to class he’d just sat down on the swivel chair next to his desk and gotten so lost in thought he didn’t even notice Izzy had come to find him until she was in front of him. She’d knelt down, gently pulling his books away from him and told him firmly that he wasn’t allowed to bring any work home with him. Tonight was just going to be about them hanging out together, eating pizza and watching trashy tv because it had been way too long since they’d done that. During the car trip home he’d been vaguely aware of her telling him all about her final two classes, but he couldn’t remember contributing to the conversation. He’d still been stuck in his own incoherent thoughts. It was like his brain had opened 50 tabs and they were all video and audio files, playing over one another until all he could hear was a cacophony of sound without any meaning and all he could see were flashes of colour and movement.  

“I almost told them, Iz.” Alec said, suddenly ready to talk about it, “one of the boys asked me a question and I almost told a room full of students that I’m gay. It would have been so easy. So simple. They'd spent the last hour brainstorming ideas on how they could support each other to make it easier for someone to come out, what things to say if someone confided in you that would validate their experience and help let them know you would support them, no matter what. They'd talked about all of the same reasons I've spent my whole life hiding something that's a fundamental part of who I am from everyone else. I wanted to tell them. I wanted to hear someone say all those things to me. I wanted to be told that them knowing I am gay wouldn't change the way they treated me. That they'd still want me to be their teacher, still like and respect me even though I like men rather than women.”

Saying those words out loud ripped open old wounds. He wanted to hear the kid’s words of acceptance directed at him so much that it physically hurt. He wanted so much to be able to show his true self without fear of being ostracised. Alec could feel his anxiety pressing against his chest making it harder to breathe, harder to think because while half of him was absolutely terrified of what might have happened if he had said something, the other half was drowning in self-recriminations that he’d just missed the best chance he’d ever had to come out.

Alec hadn't even realised tears were rolling down his cheeks until one dropped onto the back of his hand. The same one that held Izzy’s in a death grip.

“Oh, Alec,” Izzy said softly, shifting closer so that she could lay her head on his shoulder, “I’m here, Alec, I’ve got you.”

The familiar feel of Izzy curled up beside him, offering those simple, quiet words of support slowly started to wash away some of the panic that’s threatening to overwhelm him. He loves that she doesn’t try to convince him that it’s okay or minimise how much it meant to him, she gives him what he needs the most, her unwavering support. Reminding him that no matter what she’ll still be here, loving and supporting him.

Alec doesn’t know how long they sit there like that before the worst of the pain is gone and he’s able to speak again. The tv’s still on but neither of them is watching anymore.

Slowly, his voice still rough from crying, Alec started to tell Izzy about the class. About how incredible it had been to watch the kids during the video, how they’d really _listened_ and _thought about_ how it might make them feel if they were different from what was expected as “normal”. Telling her how it felt like they’d started to understand the kind of fears he had about coming out and the suggestions they’d had on how the school could change, how _they_ could change to make people feel accepted and supported to explore and express who they were.

“It was so different, Iz, to - to everything I’ve learned to expect people to say. To the kind of things, Mom and Dad threw in my face when they found out about -” Alec swallowed hard, holding back the pain of those memories as he forced the words out, “about Patrick and about me.”

Alec let out a shaky breath as Izzy snuggled in closer, burrowing the hand that wasn’t holding his around behind them to hug him. He could practically feel her vibrating with anger at the mention of that time. It had been tough for all of them but still, she managed to hold her thoughts in, letting him tell his story in his own time.

“The way the kids talked about it, Iz, they filled both of the smart boards twice over with their thoughts and feelings and their ideas for change. It gave me so much hope, Iz,” Alec said, feeling some of it rising again as he thought about their words.

Izzy moved again, lifting her head off his shoulder and shifting back slightly so she could see his face, her eyes searching his face as though looking for the hope he’d just mentioned, which was so different from the pain he’d been feeling earlier.

Looking into her eyes, Alec felt himself smile, “they made me think that one day I might actually have a community of people around me who would support and encourage me to express myself as a gay man, whenever I was ready. Who would accept me the way you and Jace and Max do. I - I’d never, I’d never thought that would really be possible but - I think,” Alec paused, drawing strength from the pride and happiness that was practically radiating off Isabelle, “I think that between Magnus and these kids, it might actually happen at the Institute one day.”

With a squeal of pleasure, Izzy launched herself at him, wrapping both her arms around him (including the hand he was still holding) and hugging him hard, her thoughts and feelings tumbling out in a passionate rush.

“Alec! That’s - I can’t even - I’m so happy, Alec! I was worried, hermano, but this - this is so much more than I’d hoped...”

Alec found himself laughing, hugging her back as she continued to ramble on, letting himself bask in her happiness for a little bit longer. It made him realise just how much he wanted that hope to be justified. Then Izzy mentioned Magnus and Alec realised that at some point he’d tuned out and tried hard to pick up the thread of Izzy’s ramblings again.

“...and maybe I should send Lydia an anonymous fruit basket, I mean we don’t have to make it a ‘thank you’ but she was sick so we could totally make it a ‘get well’ basket…”

Alec blushed, he’d almost forgotten that Lydia being sick was the reason he’d been at that class in the first place and realised that someone was likely to tell her about the fact he’d contributed to the discussion in her absence. Which meant, as much as he wanted to hang onto their happy bubble, there was more he wanted to tell Izzy. Before anyone else did.

“Iz. Izzy!” Alec had to try twice but he finally broke into her ramblings earning him an apologetic smile as she pulled away again so she could see his face, “that wasn’t - wasn’t the only thing that happened.”

“There’s more?” Izzy asked, raising an eyebrow in surprise and then rushing into speech before Alec could get another word in, “wait! Yes! You said one of the kids asked a question. Okay. Right. I’m listening and I won’t interrupt this time - I was doing _so_ well but I got excited, okay.”

Alec couldn’t help laughing again at her enthusiasm, tugging her gently back so she was resting her head on his shoulder again. It was easier somehow, not being able to see her but having that tangible support.

“The kids asked Magnus questions all the way through and it was - I’d never really heard anyone like me speak about their experiences before and so hearing Magnus talk about what it meant to him to be bisexual while trying to help teach the kids about what questions are and aren’t appropriate to ask outside those sessions - it was just, it was incredible, Iz. He’s incredible. I wish - I-I-I,” Alec sighed, giving up on that sentence altogether, “he’s just - incredible.”

Izzy squeezed his hand but stayed silent and after another deep breath, Alec continued.

“Any time one of the questions was directed my way he reminded them that I was just there to watch and listen like them and then he’d try and give them an answer to their question from his perspective, which was great. But after one of the kids asked Magnus what it was like having both male and female partners, they turned to me and wanted to know ‘what it’s like having partners who are all of a single gender’ wanting me to compare and contrast my experience with Magnus’!” Alec paused as Izzy gasped, her head popping back up and Alec could see her fighting the urge to pepper him with questions.

“I never expected them to use the skills they’re so loath to use in Literature against me!” Alec said in mock outrage, making Izzy laugh, “which is when I realised I actually could have answered it honestly without telling them I was gay - because for once no one had actually assumed my partner would be a woman. So I decided that for once I’d actually take the question myself rather than letting Magnus deflect it.”

“What?” Izzy asked sounding shocked and a little bit miffed, “but you never -”

“I said I _took_ the question, Iz,” Alec clarified, raising a hand to stop her butting in again, “I  decided to explain why I didn’t feel comfortable answering it.”

“Oh,” Izzy said, visibly deflating from her temporary outrage at the idea he might actually have voluntarily shared something about his love life when both she and Jace always complained it was like trying to get blood from a stone.

“Yeah, well, it surprised me too but it seemed like the one thing they hadn’t spoken about, despite all of the positive discussions about supporting and encouraging people to be open, was that there’s also nothing wrong with keeping that information private. So I tried to explain that not everyone’s like Magnus and is really comfortable discussing that stuff, that I avoid it because I don’t find it easy to talk about even with people I trust because it makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and I instinctively want to protect my partner’s privacy too by not discussing things without their permission. And then I suggested they might all want to think about the Who, When, Where, What, How and Why of discussing their feelings and actions.”

“You have a process for figuring out how you discuss your feelings?” Izzy asked, exasperated, her next words sounding like she was a petulant child, “you never told us that.”

“It’s not rocket science, Iz, it’s not even that specific to me, it’s just - stuff you would probably automatically think about, you just don’t stop to go through the list each time,” Alec said with a shrug but continued when Izzy glared at him, “fine, okay, I’ll explain it. **Who** is just who you feel comfortable or uncomfortable talking to. **What** information you do or don’t want to share and in how much detail. **How** you tell them if you’re saying it or writing it etc but also what words you’re going to use. **Where** is literal location, whether that can be overheard/seen by anyone else and if that matters or not? **When** obviously is about timing, is it before or after something has happened or you want or don’t want to happen. And the only one that’s probably different is **why** , I always think about what the purpose of telling someone personal is - whether it’s to help me or them understand something, or to ask for support or guidance, or to explain what I’m feeling or going through that might be influencing my actions, but I also encouraged them to think about whether they’re just sharing to reciprocate when someone shares something with you. And that it’s okay to tell different people different amounts of information about the same event or to tell the same person more or less at different times or for different reasons.”

“Huh, that actually makes a lot of sense. I’d never really stopped and thought about it like that but I do make all those snap judgements before I decide what I’m going to say and to who. It’s part of why I like telling you stuff so much, I know you’ll keep it all locked up in that incredible brain of yours and that you’re so good at giving advice even though at times you make it look like it’s causing you physical pain because it’s an overshare.”

“Yeah, well that earned you and Jace a spot in the speech too because I wanted them to understand that not sharing doesn’t mean you aren’t willing to offer to listen and support someone else. I kind of like being a sounding board for you and Jace but I just try to set more boundaries about detail and just as I was about to hand them back to Magnus, the bell rang and they all left.”

“I guess I’d never really stopped to see how much more complex sharing must be for you because it’s not _just_ about being private is it?” Izzy said softly into the resulting quiet, “you’d be private anyway but you learnt from a very young age you’re expected to filter it. To hide the fact those feelings everyone is so busy telling you you’re supposed to have and wanting details about - they don’t fit the stupid heteronormal and so you retreat and you get better at hiding it.”  

Alec sighed, he wanted to reassure her that this was his choice and that he’d be like this anyway because even with Jace and Izzy’s support he hadn’t wanted to talk about the details but at the same time, he’d never been in a position to tell the world about someone he loved even if he wanted to.

“I’m sorry we pushed, that I still -” Izzy sighed, looking down at where their hands were still interlinked, “I just - I want you to know that even though you can’t talk to mom or dad about it that Jace and I, we care and we want you to be able to express attraction to guys and talk about your feelings because they’re valid and real even if you don’t act on them. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide yourself from us.”

“I know, Iz,” Alec said, pulling her back in, “and it, it helps knowing I can tell you and Jace stuff, even if I don’t have anything at the time I want to share. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you or Jace are a total pain about it and I wish you’d leave me alone but you’re my siblings, that’s kind of in the role description.”

Izzy laughed, hugging him almost painfully tight, “you love us anyway.”

“Welllll…”

“Alec!”

“Okay, fine! I love you, even when you’re annoying,” Alec said in mock annoyance as he returned Izzy’s hug taking advantage of having significantly longer arms to give her the full boa constrictor hug effect she’d tried less successfully on him until they were both laughing again.

When at last they stopped laughing and trying to one-up each other's hugs, Izzy remembered they had ice cream and for a while they sat in silence, half watching the tv again and thinking their own thoughts as they each made significant inroads into their tub of chocolate fudge brownie.

“It sounded like hearing Magnus talk about his experiences and hearing the kids talk, helped in some way, Hermano. Would you consider, I don't know, maybe telling Magnus you're okay to be a permanent sub if he or Lydia are away or maybe even finding some time to ask him about what the course means to him?” Izzy asked hesitantly, staring into her ice cream as though it held the answers to her question.

Alec’s breath caught. Izzy’s questions were so close to some of the questions that had been stewing at the back of his mind all evening. As soon as he'd left the classroom all his familiar doubts had crept back in. As much as he wanted to go on Friday, what if it was just like after the seminar? What if he couldn’t say anything? And had Magnus really meant it? That he wanted to listen? He hated that he doubted that. He knew it wasn’t really fair but Izzy was always so much better at reading people than he was. He wouldn't tell her about Friday, not yet, but maybe just enough to see if he'd been reading this all wrong. Taking a deep breath he decided to at least try.

“Well, before the session, I actually ran into Mangus. He wanted to say thank you and check we were on the same page about me being able to contribute but not expected to, and - he told me he’s one of the kid’s support people and that he wanted to make the same offer to me if I ever...wanted to talk about anything...anyway, he - he said I knew where to find him because he hadn’t moved offices since last time I visited?” Alec said frowning, as he tried to remember exactly what Magnus had said and to explain this edgy feeling that had been there, lurking at the back of his mind ever since he’d said it, “like, like he’d actually remembered the couple of random times I’d had to go there about something.”

“Well, maybe your feelings about him aren’t as one sided as you think they are,” Izzy said more gently than she usually was on that particular topic.

“It’s not. He wouldn’t - I mean why... why would he pick me Iz?” Alec said defeatedly, “he wouldn’t. Not as anything other than a friend, even though he’s probably just - he does this with the kids, it was nice to extend that to me.”

“C’mon Alec, I’m your sister but that doesn’t make me blind or deaf,” Izzy said, shoving him while rolling her eyes, “You’re gorgeous and you have _no idea_ how many of my friends and women in general stare longingly at you in my presence or think it’s totally fine to point out how hot my brother is to me.”

“Exactly, Iz, _women_. I just - this is _Magnus_ , he’s -” Alec paused, finding it hard to admit, even to Izzy, just how much he admired and felt attracted to Magnus, he tried hard enough not to think about it himself most of the time.    

“Don’t you **dare** try to tell me he’s out of your league or somehow too amazing to want anything to do with you, Alec!” Izzy said sharply her eyes flashing dangerously now, “whether you’re out or not and whether you want to be in a relationship or not are both things I will never question your judgement on but I will **_never, ever_ ** stop reminding you that you are worthy of being loved and that any guy would be lucky to have you in his life. Because you’re amazing! You’re smart and gorgeous and kind and you buy the _best_ presents. I mean the one you got me after a bad week was so much better than the one my actual boyfriend got me for my birthday -”

“Okay, okay, Iz. I get it,” Alec said cutting her off, with a reluctant smile, “thank you. It’s hard to explain but I guess part of it is that I envy how easily Magnus can talk about everything and I don’t want to make a complete fool out of myself in front of him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to listen to me or wear down his patience by trying to talk to him about it and realising part way through that I just can’t get the words out.” Alec sighed, “I don’t want him to pity me Iz, I don’t think I could stand that.”       

“First of all, when has Magnus Bane _ever_ offered to do anything at the Institute he doesn’t want to do? Sure, he’s well known for being someone people turn to for help in a crisis but remember when they wanted him to do those “fun” experiments all day at the fair last year? The ink on Raj’s schedule had hardly had time to dry when he’d already found an alternative solution that Simon actually _wanted_ to do and cleverly dodged the issue of him being involved altogether.” Izzy paused to draw breath, a clear challenge in her eyes and Alec had to concede that she did have a point. Magnus was generous but he definitely wasn’t someone easily imposed on. “So, yes, he was grateful that you ran the session with him but he could easily have found another way to make sure you had that support. He didn’t have to offer his own time, Alec, but he did, which means he _wanted_ to.”

Alec could feel the blush starting to heat his cheeks and quickly looked away. He put a larger than necessary spoonful of ice cream in his mouth just in case Izzy had any big ideas about turning that last point into a question about  _why_ Magnus might want to spend time with him. He was quite content to think about that particular point on his own later.

“And second, he knows you sometimes stutter when you’re nervous. You could hardly string a sentence together the couple of times you tried to talk to him in your first few weeks at the Institute. Rather than avoiding talking to you or being patronising, as some of the others might have been, he seemed to go out of his way to try to make you feel more comfortable and have the patience of a saint. So it’s okay if you decide you’d rather not talk to him about it because _you’re_ not ready. But if you’re worrying about whether Magnus only offered to be polite or that it will change the way he sees you, then you can stop. I know you’ve been burnt by trusting the wrong people in the past but you can trust your judgement about this, Alec.”

“Thanks, Iz,” Alec said, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead, unable to express just how much everything she’d said meant to him, but knowing she’d understand. It was like the weight that had been pressing down on him ever since he’d gotten back to his office had been lifted and he could breathe again.  

“Now, what do you say? Do we move on to the peanut butter cup ice cream before we start the next episode or wait until we completely run out of the chocolate brownie and risk having to go without if it’s in the middle of an episode?” Izzy asked raising a pointed eyebrow at Alec and snatching up the remote which meant it was definitely his turn to get up either way.

“I’ll go get the next round of ice cream but don’t even think about stealing the rest of mine while I’m gone!” Alec said pointing his spoon at her with mock severity, relieved to let the previous topic drop in favour of simpler things.

 

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As good as it had been talking to Izzy last night it hadn’t stopped him from feeling anxious the minute they got in the car to come to school. He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that people might want to talk about the class yesterday and he didn’t think he was ready for that. Not at all. What if they had questions? Were things going to be different with Magnus now? Was he supposed to mention class or Friday if he saw him? Should he be dropping in to see Magnus? How had this one class managed to turn his whole world upside down?

 

“ALEC!”

 

Alec blinked, his head whipping around to look at Izzy only to realise the car had stopped and she was standing in the open car door looking at him with concern.

“Sorry,” Alec muttered, undoing his seatbelt and going to get out of the car.

“It’s going to be okay, Alec. I promise,” Izzy said gently as she joined him on the path leading to their offices. “Just take it one step at a time, focus on your classes and don’t worry, okay?”

Alec sighed, really trying to just let her words calm his frayed nerves. He wanted to believe her, he really did. But it was hard when every instinct said he should run as far and fast away from this place before anyone had a chance to ask any questions.

“It wouldn’t help, Alec,” Izzy said gently, “you can’t run from this. And you don’t need to. The kids, the rest of the staff, Magnus - it’s just another ordinary day for all of them. Yes, someone might mention it in passing but that spotlight you feel like you’re standing under? No one else can see it. It was huge for you, I know that, but no one else does. They just saw you be your normal wise self and teach the kids something - which, in case you’ve forgotten, is what they pay you to do here.” 

Despite himself, Alec laughed. Trust Izzy to hit on the one thing that actually helped calm him down. He was a teacher. He taught a class. That was all. No one else knew it had been more personal than that, except maybe Magnus.

“You can trust Magnus not to say anything Alec, he wouldn’t have lasted 5-minutes as a support person if he broke people’s trust.”

“Thanks Iz,” Alec said, letting another long breath out, feeling calmer now she’d said those words aloud that he’d been trying to tell himself since yesterday afternoon.

 

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By lunchtime, Alec had finally begun to relax and agree with Izzy that yesterday hadn't been particularly special to anyone else. He'd overheard one group of kids talking about the seminar in general but that was all. He'd taught his classes, exchanged all the normal greetings with the students and teachers he saw in passing and no one had so much as glanced at him sideways. In a way, as much as he'd been dreading it and didn't know how he would have reacted if anyone had wanted to talk about it, he was almost disappointed that something that had affected him so much could go so unnoticed. The science department and the English class and staff rooms were on opposite sides of campus so it wasn’t surprising really that he also hadn’t seen Magnus yet today. Like everything else, he wasn’t sure yet whether that was a good thing or not. But with lesson plans to review and a stack of photocopying to do before his final classes of the day, he decided it was probably best this way, just focusing on getting through it so that hopefully by tomorrow he’d stopped expecting disaster at every turn.

Alec had just rounded the final corner on his route back to his office, passing the hallway which led to the staff common room, when it finally happened. That is to say, he ran into Magnus. Literally.

“God, I'm so sorry! I wasn't-” Alec said anxiously as he reached out to steady Magnus with his free hand.

“It's fine. Really, Alec, I'm fine,” Magnus said, smiling ruefully at him as Alec reluctantly withdrew his hand from Magnus’ bicep and stepped back to return them to a more normal distance apart.

“Can you believe it’s only lunch time?” Magnus asked without any of his usual exuberance, prompting Alec to look closer, seeing Magnus’ shoulders drop ever so slightly as he explained. “I swear it should be time for the kids to go home already, I mean we’ve already had one child burn himself on a bunsen burner and another pass out when the dissected frog they were examining slipped off one of the pegs and they thought it had been reanimated, then Saruman had a near miss with a delivery of chemicals which had accidentally been left in the sun outside the science office rather than delivered directly to the stockroom. I’m very ready for this day to be over. I hope that they’re the only reasons I’m being summoned to the front office and that I’m not headed into yet another catastrophe.”

“Sounds like the day from hell,” Alec said, the urge to reach out and provide comfort surprising him, “anything I can do to help?”

“Thank you but no,” Magnus sighed, “not unless you have a magic wand and can reset today from about 9.45am?”

Alec shook his head, “sorry, I’m afraid Raj revoked my wand licence last time I refused to vote for the before school staff meetings he’s been trying so hard to make happen.”

“But nobody wants to go to them, why pick on you?” Magnus asked seemingly keen to be diverted away from his own troubles for a moment.

“I may have overheard him talking about it the day before he wanted to hold a surprise vote and made a point of mentioning it to as many people as I could,” Alec said with a shrug. “He managed to track the leak back to me and wasn’t pleased when I pointed out that we all knew now so there probably wasn’t ever going to be a way to pitch it that would work.”

“I’ll bet he was upset,” Magnus said with a laugh, “he has some excellent ideas and keeps all of us in line, which is no small feat, but that has to be his most unpopular idea of all time. Including making the teachers participate in last year’s fair, which I for one was very against.”    

“Speaking of Raj,” Alec said reluctantly, having just noticed the clock on the far wall which indicated they’d been standing talking for close to 15 minutes, “I think you said you’d been called to the front office?”

As much as he’d rather stand here all lunch hearing about Magnus’ day, he also didn’t want to get him into any more trouble by being late to a meeting, on top of his already awful day. Judging by Magnus’ wince when he looked at his watch it had been the right call to make.

“I have to go. But thank you, Alexander, I’m glad I ran into you,” Magnus said causing Alec to raise both eyebrows in astonishment. “I rushed over here straight after calming Sauron down and had barely had a chance to catch my breath all day. At least now I’ll be able to face the meeting on my own terms.”

“Bye, Magnus, good luck,” Alec said, grinning at the way Magnus seemed to be able to shrug off his earlier tiredness and look completely in control again.

“Thank you. Good luck for the rest of your day too, Alec and maybe I’ll see you Friday if our schedules work out,” Magnus said casually, nodding at Alec as he stepped around him heading off to his meeting.

Alec stood for a moment watching Magnus walk away. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d expected seeing Magnus for the first time following the session but somehow the distraction of nearly running him down and then hearing about his terrible day had robbed him of his usual anxiety around him. He was also surprised that Magnus had both reiterated his invitation and given Alec an out if Friday was too soon, sparing him from having to reply at all. It’s not until Alec shifts the books he’s been holding to his other arm that he catches a hint of Magnus’ cologne. Bringing back, with startling clarity, the way Magnus’ cheek had briefly rested on that shoulder and the feeling of his strong body pressed against Alec’s. He can’t help remembering the way Magnus’ slightly shorter frame had fitted perfectly against his own. It had been barely longer than a moment but, now that his initial anxiety had passed, he could remember it all too well.

  
Maybe Friday couldn’t come fast enough after all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [ Tumblr ](http://intangibel.tumblr.com) or leave me a comment, I'd love to know your thoughts <3 thanks for reading!!


	3. Cracks in the Walls Around My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally Friday and Alec is more than a little nervous about getting coffee with Magnus. There's so much he wants to say but how much should he reveal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I'm back with the new chapter <3 You will have seen there were a couple of projects that pushed back the schedule on this one - most significantly, My Last and Only Hope (my shadowhunters/the martian AU). I'm going to try and alternate updates between these two but there will definitely more of this fic. Also, The Phantom Tollbooth is a wonderful book, it's one of my favourites.
> 
> As always, thank you to my tireless beta [Lady Matt](http://ladymatt.tumblr.com) who manages to keep up even though I have far more projects on the go than any sane person should.

**Chapter 3: Cracks in the Walls Around My Heart**

 

Izzy was waiting for him when he got back to his office to drop off the work he'd taken to his last class and grab his bag and coat. Alec knew he’d finally run out of excuses to put it off any longer, it was Friday and the final bell had rung 15 minutes ago. He’d spent that entire time stalling, straightening up desks in his last classroom when he knew the cleaners would come and move all the chairs out of place again in less than an hour. He had to tell her. Maybe if he could just put his stuff down then -

“You ready to head home, Alec?” Izzy asked, looking up from her phone and sliding down from her favourite perch on the corner of his desk to stand in front of him, clearly all ready to get home and start the weekend.

“Actually, uh, I-” Alec paused, feeling a light blush return to his cheeks, “I said I'd get coffee with Magnus tonight. So - so, I wondered if you could drop me there and I'll get the subway home after?” Alec asked, his hand automatically reaching up to tangle in the hair at the back of his neck, seeking comfort in that subconscious action.

“Sounds like you might have been holding out on me, hermano. Got a date with Magnus?” Izzy asked, looking like a cat with cream, obviously reading more into it than there really was.

Alec felt compelled to try and clarify the situation somewhat even though he was about as capable of finding the right words as he was of stopping the blush already burning across his cheeks, “it's not - we’re talking about the seminar on Monday. I haven't - it's not like I told him - not, not that I didn't want - it's just -”

“It's okay, Alec. I'm proud of you. Going to that seminar was a big deal, talking to Magnus about it sounds like the right thing to do,” Izzy replied, reaching up to brush a kiss against his cheek, “you take the car. I'll get a ride with Clary and Simon, they're always here later than everyone else, you know how Simon is.”

Alec reached out and pulled Izzy into a hug when she would have started to move away, finding the reassurance he'd been craving there. Feeling the breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding rush out, “thanks, Izzy.”

“Anytime, Alec. You know that, right? I'm here for you,” Izzy replied burrowing into the hug and clinging on like a limpet the way she used to as a child when it'd been just the two of them before Jace or Max had entered their lives. “Besides you give the best hugs.”

Alec couldn't help laughing at her conspiratorial tone and dropping a kiss on her forehead, glad some things never changed.

 

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Alec fought the impulse to check his watch again as he spotted the intricate wrought iron sign shaped like an open book that had been painted with gold like an illuminated manuscript. If you didn't know what to look for you'd never find the simple black door between two busy stores. There was only the hanging sign and a small engraved gold plaque beside the door (which could only be read from within a foot of the door) that said simply ‘Bookend Cafe 7 am - 7 pm except holidays’ to indicate this wasn't merely the service entrance or exit from one of the stores. Alec was glad he'd stood slightly off to the side to read the sign when the door swung inward suddenly and a man in a suit carrying a tray of coffees in one hand and his cell in the other rushed out and joined the flow of people heading towards the station without even noticing Alec standing there. Before he could reach out for the door a woman cut across the stream of people, and in front of him, as she caught the slowly closing door and disappeared inside. It certainly did seem to be the kind of place where everyone was too caught up in their individual mission to get coffee to pay any attention to anyone they happened to be the sharing space with. The inconspicuous entrance further reinforced its credibility as the perfect place for a private conversation.

Checking the crowd to make sure he wasn't about to be steamrollered by another customer intent on beating him inside, Alec opened the door and found himself in a softly lit hallway. It was lined on either side with built in bookshelves up to waist level, faded cream wallpaper above and a well-worn Persian rug underfoot. He couldn't help noticing how quiet it was in here. He could barely hear the busy street outside as he advanced down the long narrow hallway. Ahead there was the low rumble of indistinguishable voices and the familiar sounds of an espresso machine but it all seemed muted somehow, as though all the books on the shelves which covered every wall absorbed some of the sounds. At the end of the hallway, it opened out onto what looked like an old-fashioned library complete with floor to ceiling bookshelves with ladders and a veritable maze of small reading nooks sectioned off by ¾ height bookshelves which acted like patricians creating semi-private spaces for individuals or small groups, complete with armchairs and small tables. It took Alec a moment to spot the cafe counter as they'd cleverly made use of an old loans desk and obscured the coffee machines behind yet another bookshelf. Even the people standing in line managed to blend in, most of them having picked up a book and appeared to be reading while they waited either to order or for their order to be filled. As Alec watched one of the servers placed a coffee and a to-go bag on the counter and briefly a red light on the pole beside it flashed. The man waiting closest to it looked up, saw the order had been filled and carefully inserted a bookmark in his place and put his book back on the shelf before collecting his order and hurrying back down the hallway Alec had just come from. As Alec watched, it happened again, the red light flashed and a young woman who was the next closest to the counter looked up and saw the coffee and then carefully bookmarked her place and put her book back on a shelf labeled ‘returns’ before collecting her spoils and moving swiftly towards the street, her phone already coming up to her ear as she went. This appeared to be the normal behaviour of patrons at Bookend Cafe - choose a book on the side you ordered and return it on the other side ready for tomorrow once you'd picked up your coffee. Looking back around the room Alec caught sight of an impressive coif of jet black hair rising like a crown above one of the wings of an antique chair and although Alec couldn't see any more than that of the person sitting in that chair he was absolutely certain it was Magnus. Alec knew he was early and as such he'd half-expected to have beaten Magnus here but in this case, he had the advantage of being able to see Magnus when Magnus could not possibly see him yet. Alec took a moment to steady himself. Part of him was terrified that he was here. That he was actually going to be sitting across from Magnus in a place where, for once, it seemed like they wouldn't be interrupted and could just be themselves without needing to be ready to flip back into teaching mode at a moment’s notice. But another part of him was relieved. Relieved to have this opportunity to speak more freely to someone who would genuinely understand and who seemed so willing to listen to as much or little as he wanted to share. And for once, he wanted to share some small part of his true self with someone other than his family and be able to ask questions in return, to get to know the man he'd admired from afar a little better. Alec deliberated the pros and cons of getting coffee before greeting Magnus but decided, in the end, it would be easier to say hi first because he had the feeling that Magnus’ chair was angled just far enough round that he'd have an unobstructed view of the counter where orders were placed. Taking a deep breath Alec walked across to the pair of large ornate wingback chairs, noticing that they looked plump and soft and that their pale blue and silver upholstery bore the telltale signs of gentle use and comfort - unlike the austere and rigid wingback chairs decorating his mother’s formal sitting room where no one, barring the most esteemed guests, ever sat. Although he'd seen Magnus less than half an hour before he wasn't quite prepared for how devastating he looked comfortably settled, as though on a throne, with what looked like an espresso martini in one hand and a leather bound edition of Much Ado About Nothing in the other. As first a student and then a teacher of literature Alec had always loved books and, from an early age, surrounded himself with them. As a child, he'd often read aloud to Izzy or Max but as an adult, he'd always thought of reading as a solitary activity, an escape. But watching Magnus read Alec couldn't help imagining them sitting on his couch, each absorbed in their own books but together, Magnus’ legs draped across his lap and Alec’s free hand resting lightly on top.

‘Alexander! That was fast.”

Magnus’ voice broke into Alec’s revery, the scene in his head disappearing as he crashed back into reality, fighting a blush and hoping he hadn't just been caught staring.

“Hey, Magnus,” Alec said, putting his bag down beside the chair facing him, “Izzy offered me the car and, for once, parking wasn't a complete nightmare.”

Magnus nodded, accepting this mundane topic of conversation without batting an eyelid even though talking about traffic in New York, even out past where their school was located, was very nearly as bad as discussing the weather.

“Did you want to get something to drink?” Magnus asked, continuing when Alec nodded, “since you haven't been here before I might just explain how things work. Feel free to look around the shelves including the ones closer to the counter to select something to read while you wait - it isn't usually long but it's part of the experience. Once you've chosen head over to the counter to order. They've got just about every kind of coffee I've ever heard of from all around the world as well as a full range of soft and hard alternatives if you don’t feel like coffee and there’s food too. Personally, I'm rather partial to their cheese board but I thought I'd check with you before ordering anything we might share, there are plenty of sweet options as well. You'll probably find you read more of the menu than you do of your book but I think it's always worth having one and you can bring it back here in case we decide later to sit and read for a while.”

Despite the nerves and adrenaline buzzing through his system and the way, just a moment ago his heart had been racing Alec felt himself begin to relax a little, appreciating just how perfect this location was for this particular discussion. He felt at home here and Magnus’ recommendations of food and reading material would give him a safety net if their discussion became too intense or uncomfortable.

“Okay,” he didn't try to conceal the smile that rose unbidden at Magnus’ words, “give me a minute to choose something to read and I'll go see about ordering that cheese board and something to drink.”

“We don't have to-” Magnus began but Alec shook his head.

“I know. But a selection of cheeses, some coffee and a good book shared with - a friend - who in their right mind would turn down that offer?” Alec asked, forcing himself to look away, to scan the shelves rather than allow himself to drink in the appreciative gleam in Magnus’ eyes and the way he nodded slowly in agreement. Alec had been intending to choose something classic, maybe even a Shakespeare like Magnus had chosen but he was surprised to see there was a full range of genres in their section. One name in particular jumping out at him although, technically, it was a book aimed at children. It had been years since he'd thought about, much less read, The Phantom Tollbooth. A story about a boy forced to slow down and really see and appreciate the world around him seemed oddly suitable to Alec’s current situation, of wanting to seriously consider the possibility that his world might not always have to be experienced through this restrictive, gilded cage he'd created for himself. Yet the fantasy elements, not to mention the literary and grammatical puns kept the book light and he knew it well enough to be happy dipping in and out of it between interruptions. He ran his fingers lightly across the books before gently extracting the one he wanted from the shelf, smiling again when he realised it was the same edition which still sat on his shelf at home.

“Choosing a classic I see,” Magnus said softly, drawing Alec’s attention away from the bookshelves again.

“You're familiar with it?” Alec asked, surprised. He'd assumed given that Magnus had spent most of his childhood in Indonesia that they might have had quite different experiences with books aimed at children.

“It was a favourite of my adoptive father, he always said that it broadened both the mind and the wit. I learned many of the quirks and peculiarities of the English language from between those covers.”

Alec grinned, “Your adoptive father had excellent taste. I'm sure it would've been a challenge initially but, I hope, an enjoyable one. I feel like you can either accept and find interest or amusement in the complexities and idiosyncrasies of a language which has so many origins or curse it until you're blue in the face but only one of those options will allow you to really enjoy reading and writing in English. Books like this one help show that it is possible to appreciate the humour inherent in the language and not just the humour we can create using it. Whenever I have the chance to introduce a student struggling with the English to something more friendly, something that might make them want to learn some of those exceptions and rules, I will.”

“I can see why your students love your classes, Alexander, I wish my high school teachers had been more like you. The English language is like a minefield to the newly acquainted I sometimes think.”

Alec blushed and looked away, surprised and pleased by the compliment although he held no illusions that his students enjoyed his classes as much as they enjoyed Magnus’.

“Did you always intend to teach Literature?”

Alec blinked, surprised by the question. He'd lost count of how many hundred times he'd been asked why he'd become a teacher and why he'd chosen to teach English rather than something ‘interesting’ like history or science but this was subtly different. It felt like an opening to tell the story of how he'd ended up in the present moment rather than the obligatory transactional conversation people usually had about career choices. Realising he was still standing next to the shelves, Alec took the seat opposite Magnus and stretched out his legs as he considered where exactly to start.

“I didn't intend to teach at all. All my life I’d been told that I was meant to be an attorney, like my parents. That one day I’d take over the firm that’s been in my family for generations, even if it meant making sacrifices  - as the eldest that was what I was supposed to do. At college, I majored in sociology to support my application to law school but I changed my minor to English language and literature on the advice of my professors when I started to top those classes. When I got offered a teaching assistant role by one of the literature professors I never expected anything to come from it. The only reason I even considered taking it was because Izzy, Jace and Max told me I’d be crazy to turn down the opportunity to get credits for something I was already doing for them for free. I had no idea that I'd be good at it or that I’d enjoy it. At the end of college, I was offered a grant that included a full scholarship for a graduate degree in teaching, ongoing tutoring opportunities and an almost guaranteed job at the end because there was a shortage of English Language and Literature teachers. Suddenly I had this chance to deviate from the plan my parents had set out for me by offering to pay for law school and give me a job at their firm - one that didn’t come with strings attached.You see, I'd been told all my life that sticking to their plan, doing everything they asked of me, no matter what it cost me, would protect my siblings. That my sacrifice would provide for them the freedom I was being denied. But then I discovered that we were all equally trapped, that they'd lied to us. So I chose teaching and helped make sure Izzy and Jace were able to choose their own paths. Now we’re working on a way to prevent our youngest brother Max getting sucked into a law degree everyone who's ever met him knows would be a waste of his talent for design and engineering - if we could help him get a few of his ideas patented maybe between the three of us we’ll be able to give him the start he deserves.” Alec stopped in amazement and horror that he had practically told his life story without really realising it, “Sorry, you didn't ask about what my entire family has or will study. I just -” Alec paused, confusion rising as his naturally private nature was warring with this new feeling of wanting to explain, to confide this small part of who he was to Magnus.

“It sounds like you and your siblings are fortunate to have one another, Alexander. It was brave of you to be the one to challenge the plan that had been made for you.”

Alec felt some of the tension drain back out of him, reminding himself that Magnus wouldn't have asked such an open-ended question without being genuinely interested in the answer.

“There are still things I haven't - that they still won't accept. Parts of my life they still try to control and where their influence still - lingers,” Alec stopped, looking down at his hands, painfully aware of how close he was treading to why he was here now and feeling again like all of his words were suddenly sticking in his throat. He felt the familiar panic, the fear of saying too much, threatening to consume him. Because even though he _knew_ that if anyone would understand and respect the choices that he'd made - it would be Magnus, who had to at least have guessed by now, what it was about his life his parents disapproved of.  He wanted to look at Magnus, to see his reaction but couldn’t, unsure of what he’d see.

“Parents, Alexander, despite society's expectation that they will always act in the best interests of their child's physical and mental health, frequently fall well short of that expectation. Often turning that on its head and doing far more damage than any other element of that child's life. Life has taught me to be thankful for the people who've chosen to become supportive parts of my life, the people I've chosen to make a new family from and to work towards a time when those who were toxic parts of my life no longer have any part of it but I am under no illusion of that being an easy task. A great deal of damage can be wrought by someone who claims to love you and healing from that - well - that can take a lifetime of small steps, both forward and back, but sometimes it can also shift like the sands of the desert.” Magnus paused and Alec found himself glancing up, surprised to find that Magnus was looking straight at him as he continued, “a single event or person capable of changing your entire landscape - a change that makes it possible to see that you might really be able to trust and love again when you thought you never would.”

Alec swallowed roughly, rubbing that numb spot at the edge of his palm nervously as he looked at Magnus and considered, for the first time ever, that he might have more in common with Magnus than he realised, despite all of their differences on the surface. It seemed like that last part had been directed at him, as though Magnus was implying that Alec was somehow responsible for him believing he'd be able to love and trust again. He wanted to believe that but what could he possibly offer that someone like Magnus didn't already have or couldn't easily find somewhere else? Alec was willing to bet there were men and women figuratively queueing up to have a chance with Magnus and, given his last attempt at a relationship had been a total disaster, he felt painfully inadequate and inexperienced in comparison. Which brought him back to Magnus’ final point - Alec didn’t want to think that Magnus, who was able to present himself with so much pride and self-assurance as a bisexual man, could have suffered enough to make him lose faith in having love or trust. Magnus deserved that kind of happiness, even if it was more than Alec could offer him.

“I'm sorry,” Alec said, finally looking away, aware he hadn't said anything in reply to Magnus’ confession and yet, perversely sure that there had been greater understanding between them in that intense but not uncomfortable silence than he'd ever really experienced in speech. “You deserve - ” Alec swallowed, meeting Magnus’ eyes again, not sure if he'd be able to say it but knowing he needed to try, “so much more than just the hope. You deserve that trust and - and love.”

Alec could feel his face heating, seeing Magnus freeze as he’d stumbled over those last words and for what felt like an eternity they sat there, staring at each other as though neither of them could quite believe what he’d just said. As the silence dragged on, Magnus still looking shell-shocked, Alec started to feel more on edge, not sure what to do now and a little bit terrified by what he’d just said. When one of the waitresses stopped to collect the empty martini glass sitting between them Alec seized the opportunity to escape, temporarily.

“I’d better, you know, go see about that cheese board,” Alec said, picking up his book as he stood and turned to walk over to the counter.

“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus said from behind him, his voice sounding rough as though he too was struggling with the emotions swirling between them. Alec turned, unsure whether he should go back but relieved when Magnus nodded towards the counter and indicating he could continue. Magnus’ acknowledgement was enough to let the conversation drop, for now at least.

“Actually, can I get you anything to drink while I’m up there?” Alec asked, shifting his weight to the balls of his feet and gnawing at his bottom lip as he waited. He would have sworn Magnus’ gaze hovered on his lips for a moment before flicking back up to meet his eyes.

“Another Espresso Martini would be lovely,” Magnus said reaching for his jacket, obviously intending to get his wallet.

“It’s fine, Magnus, I’ve got it,” Alec said turning and starting to walk over to the counter before Magnus had a chance to argue. Or to notice the faint blush that had spread across his cheeks when he’d remembered Izzy telling him that the first sign that a catch up between friends might be intended to be a date is when your friend suddenly offers to pay for everything. At the time he’d rolled his eyes and pointed out that was because she didn’t have any platonic male friends but now he was starting to see how sometimes it was more complex than that in practice.

As Alec approached the counter he noticed a shelf full of slim hardback books, all bearing the title ‘menu’ on their spines, off to the left near where the line was for those waiting to be served. As he gently drew one from the shelf, he couldn’t help admiring the lengths that the owner had gone to in binding their menus in the style of books from the early 1900’s with smooth leather covers embossed and gilded in gold. He’d assumed when he’d picked up the small volume that at least half the pages of the book would be blank, but realised as he flicked through it, that Magnus hadn’t been kidding when he’d said they had every coffee-related drink under the sun and just about anything else you could think of. Conscious of having had a long week, Alec decided to focus just on things that had coffee in them, otherwise, he might be standing here until closing time just trying to decide what he felt like most. Realising that still only narrowed his choices down to about 20 pages, Alec figured he may as well start by finding out what was in the Espresso Martini that Magnus wanted. The alcoholic coffee related options he was relieved to see covered only 4 pages and ranged from the predictable to the unexpected and seemed to be arranged by temperature from hot to frozen. There were multiple variations on the theme of Irish Coffee, single and mixed shots of coffee flavoured liqueurs (served both hot and cold), more coffee flavoured cocktails than Alec had imagined possible and, at the very bottom, something called an ‘affogato’. The Espresso Martini did look good with its blend of espresso, vodka and Kahlua, but in the end, his sweet tooth won out. How could he turn down a drink which combined two of his favourite things - coffee and ice cream - with just enough alcohol to make it a little easier to relax. It didn’t take long to get to the front of the line, ordering an Espresso Martini for Magnus, an affogato for himself and the Cheeseboard to share.

Having handed in his menu and transferred to the back of the collection line, Alec opened The Phantom Tollbooth and prepared for the familiar story to pull him in, hopefully drowning out the low-level anxiety that was churning in the pit of his stomach about being here, with _Magnus_ . But as much as he _wanted_ to enjoy Milo’s confusion at meeting the Whether Man when he arrived in Expectations, he couldn’t help thinking about Magnus and wondering just what _he_ expected to come from today. In class, Magnus had spoken about how important it was to remember that someone else’s sexual orientation really wasn’t any of your business and that speculating on it or asking them about it was as inappropriate as asking someone else to show you what colour their underwear is in public. So he knew Magnus would never ask or assume, but Alec felt like he must know or at least consider it a possibility that he wasn’t straight. He also knew that although he had done a reasonable job of concealing his crush from the rest of his colleagues who rarely saw them together, Magnus would be much more likely to be able to put all of the pieces together. Especially given how much of a stuttering mess he’d been those first few weeks any time he’d needed to talk to him, and the fact that he still avoided spending too much time in his presence. But he liked the idea that maybe, after this, they might be friends? It was probably selfish and a recipe for disaster given his crush, but despite everything, Alec _wanted_ to spend time with him. He wanted this. He wanted to share coffee and books and talk about things that mattered with Magnus. He wanted to be himself, for once, around someone who wasn’t family. To be able to let down his guard, even a little bit, around someone who’d understand. But even more than anything else, he wanted to have a chance to get to know the _real_ Magnus. To understand how someone so incredible could possibly have been hurt so badly not to believe he’d ever really trust or love again. Alec knew just how twisted love could become. Knew the pain of people you thought loved you breaking that trust and the idea that someone could turn that cruelty and anger towards Magnus physically hurt. He’d meant what he said to Magnus, about him deserving the ability to love and be loved and he was glad he’d said it - even though it had come uncomfortably close to exposing his own feelings. In that, at least, he had not been a coward. And it had felt like Magnus had been suggesting that Alec had somehow had an impact on his life-

Alec jumped when he felt a light tap on his shoulder, realising suddenly that he’d gotten so wrapped up in his thoughts that he’d completely forgotten where he was. He was at the front of the queue at last and there, on the counter, was the espresso martini and his affogato. Shooting an apologetic smile over his shoulder at the person behind him (although their attention was already back on their book) Alec tucked his book under his arm, grabbed the drinks and headed back to where Magnus was sitting.  

When Alec had gotten back from the bar, they’d fallen into easy conversation about school and their respective weeks. It was surprisingly easy talking to Magnus and Alec found himself relaxing again, telling him about the antics of the kids he taught and Izzy’s decision that his office was better than hers and the lunchroom which made it almost impossible to ever get any work down over lunch because Izzy and sometimes Clary and Simon would invade shortly the bell rang and stay until lunch was over.

“Where is the lovely Isabelle this evening? You said she’d given you the car?”

“She was getting a lift with Clary and Simon but, knowing them, there’s a decent chance they’re all still there. Izzy’s a genius but she got herself all tied up in knots over this question on the practice MCAT about aerobic and anaerobic organisms and if she asked Simon for help-”

Magnus laughed, “If she asked Sherman then they’ll definitely still be there. I’ve never known anyone so capable of rambling as Seth and he worships the ground both those women walk on. Although, with Isabelle, I have the feeling he’d offer her his first born if he thought she’d accept it.” Magnus paused, looking at Alec as though trying to gauge his reaction before adding slyly, “But I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to latch on to you to get on her good side.”

“Who says he hasn’t?” Alec asked, trying to look serious but unable to stop the grin twisting his lips as he remembered Simon’s final attempt to win him over.

“Sounds like there’s a story there, Alexander.”

“He wanted me to go see his band performing one night and I told him I couldn’t because I had a class to teach.”

“Let me guess, Samuel worked himself into a complete huff because as the school’s laboratory manager he knows we don’t have night classes?” Magnus asked wryly his eyes flashing with amusement.

“Exactly. He thought I was just trying to get out of it, which, to be fair, I didn’t actually _want_ to go but that didn’t make my reason any less valid. So I pointed out that, as far as I knew, the school also didn’t offer Karate classes so I’d been forced to teach this particular class elsewhere. Simon, being Simon, tried to bluff his way through thinking I was just saying that I was a black belt in karate to warn him off being friends with Izzy.”

“But you weren’t?”

“Nope, I gave him the look I reserve for the kids who think they’re going to get away with messing around in my classes and said: ‘I’m a Sensei, Simon, I have the highest belts in Karate, Aikido and Jujutsu, I just happen to be teaching Karate tonight. Oh and so does Izzy, so let’s just agree that you won’t piss either of us off. Because if you hurt her, I will help her hide your body.’ He was completely torn between being terrified of what that meant I could do to him and thinking it was incredibly hot that Izzy knew martial arts.”

Alec felt his breath catch as Magnus laughed out loud, his head tipping back as he relaxed back into his armchair, raising his martini glass in a silent toast. Laughing, Magnus was stunning. It was as though it lit him up from inside, flashing in his eyes and drawing Alec’s eyes to his lips and throat, to the Adam's apple that was made more prominent by having tipped his head back. Alec forced his eyes back to his own drink, trying to ignore the fact his heart was beating faster just seeing Magnus like this and knowing he’d been the cause of it.

“So I guess that means we‘ll have to add _dangerous_ to your ‘tall, dark and handsome’ epithet,” Magnus said smiling cryptically at him over the rim of his martini glass as he took a sip.

Alec blinked, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks despite his confusion. Magnus joked and laughed a lot with the students and the teachers, it was part of what made his classes so magical, but even though he was currently smiling this didn’t feel like one of his usual jokes. Unsure how to respond, Alec took a sip of his drink, enjoying the way the ice cream offset the slight burn of the hazelnut liqueur and the richness of the espresso shot. He usually avoided adding any of the kind of fancy things Izzy put in her coffee, they made ordering her anything a total nightmare but he had to admit that between this dreamy concoction and the sip of leftover martini mixture the barista had offered him when, in a last-minute wave of indecisiveness, he’d asked him what it tasted like, he might need to reconsider that blanket ban.   

“That does explain why he tends to refer to you with a level of hushed awe, Alexander, I had wondered about that,” Magnus said after a pause, allowing his other comment go unanswered.

“It worked,” Alec said with a shrug, “he doesn’t try to be my best friend and I don’t give him a hard time about spending so much time with Izzy. You and Simon seem close, though? I mean,” Alec brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck, unsure how Magnus would take the question, “he told me you’d taken him under your wing and given him a job when he’d been having a particularly rough time doing his PhD but I’ve never actually heard you use his real name.”

To Alec’s immense relief, instead of dismissing the question, Magnus laughed again.

“On one of his first days, when he was still trying to sort through the almost illegible records his predecessor had left, Raj stopped by. Seeing Solomon he asked who he was because Raj had been on leave the week before when he started. Sean got completely flustered and said he worked for _Maximus_ Bane. Hearing hysterical laughter from next door I went to investigate and found the ordinarily serious and businesslike Raj leaning against the doorframe practically crying with laughter and Scott trying desperately to remember my name which only made Raj laugh more,” Magnus paused dramatically, watching Alec with amusement.

Alec couldn’t help laughing. He tried to stifle it but the idea of Simon calling Magnus _Maximus,_ which sounded like the name of a comic book villain or a porn star, was too much. He could see why even someone as unbending as Raj could have been reduced to hysterics having heard Simon say it and then try to backtrack.  

“It became a joke between Raj and I,” Magnus continued, “as far as Raj is concerned his employment record reads only ‘S. Lewis’ and neither of us have ever used his real name since. I’ve told Stephen I’ll reconsider when he finally finishes that PhD he’s been working on for the past five years.”

“That’s genius,” Alec said softly as he shook his head in amusement, unable to wipe the grin off his face. It was the perfect revenge, particularly given that he’d been at the school for over two years and never heard the story before, suggesting it was something that had been kept between Raj, Simon and Magnus. Which begged the question, why had Magnus trusted him with it now? Was it just because of his speech at the seminar that Magnus knew he could tell Alec and he wouldn’t pass it on? But it felt like more than that, something had been shifting between them ever since Alec had accepted Magnus’ request to help run the seminar. It was like coming here with Magnus had created a new level of trust between them, allowing each other to scratch deeper than the surface they each shared with their colleagues. Because that was one thing he’d realised; for all the stories Magnus told, for all the times when he was the life and soul of any gathering of people, the amount you knew about Magnus himself and what mattered to him was surprisingly little.

Alec was just considering what to say next, and whether he was finally ready to broach the topic they’d so far avoided when a waiter appeared at his elbow bearing the most spectacular cheese board he’d ever seen. There was blue cheese, goat's cheese, gouda and a brie that was so soft it had stopped being a wedge as soon as it had been cut. There were slices of apple and pear, quince paste and even a wedge of honeycomb and tieing it all together was a basket of freshly sliced bread. He almost laughed when he realised that his first thought was that he needed to make sure things with Magnus went well because now that he’d found this place he wasn’t going to be able to forget it.

“It’s quite spectacular isn’t it?” Magnus said with a smirk that made Alec wonder just how many of his thoughts had been clearly painted across his face.

“I didn’t think anything could make me like this place any more than I already did,” Alec said shaking his head, “and now you introduce me to this? You’re trying to ruin me for every other cafe in New York, aren’t you?”

“We’ll have to come again then, Alexander,” Magnus said casually.

Alec was relieved that Magnus’ entire concentration was fixed on balancing a slice of honeycomb on the stack of apple and blue cheese he was assembling because he was pretty sure he was gaping at Magnus like a fish.

“Uh - yeah, I mean, yes. I’d like that. Coming back here. With you, I mean,” Alec said somewhat dazedly, as he tried to figure out what had just happened. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend more time with Magnus - he did, more than anything, he just - didn’t expect Magnus to feel the same way. Especially since he still hadn’t gotten around to talking about the seminar, which meant that Magnus was enjoying just - talking to him. And with that thought, it was as if the weight of expectation lifted and he could relax and just enjoy being here with Magnus.

Following Magnus’ lead and keeping his eyes fixed on the slice of pear he was spreading brie on, Alec decided to test the waters, “I was surprised how engaged all the kids were with the seminar on Monday - I mean, there are days when trying to get them to answer even the most basic questions is like pulling teeth.”

“I wasn’t sure what to expect when we started the sessions either,” Magnus said thoughtfully, “but I think it’s the perfect example of why it’s so important to provide kids with access to reliable information and a safe place to ask questions. Prejudice and discrimination are so often the product of ignorance, how can we expect parents and families to explain something to their kids that they themselves have not had the opportunity to understand or explore? This is the first generation who have had such unfettered exposure to topics which were once buried so deep in shame, secrecy and taboo that even the people it affected most personally found it difficult to discuss. For once, we are actually rewarding curiosity and respecting that these issues affect people of all ages, not just those who’ve reached the arbitrary age of adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, there are, of course, still classes that see the kids dissolving into nervous giggles and awkward silences but now that they trust Lydia and I to answer their questions without judgement or censure, it’s like the floodgates have opened and they’re giving voice to all the things they’ve been wondering about but never had anyone to ask.”

Alec grinned, “Every time I spend any time around kids under 5 I can’t help wondering where that insatiable curiosity goes. It’s almost like by the time they hit middle school they’re so busy proving what they do know that they haven’t got any time left to ask the millions of questions about all the things they still don’t understand.”

“As you saw last session, some of their questions are as uninhibited and unvarnished as the small child who points at a person in a wheelchair and asks the adult they’re with loudly why they can’t walk. Even with all of the training, we’ve done and our own policy that we will take and answer any and every question, Lydia and I still find ourselves occasionally wrong-footed by them. Turns out the instinct to shy away from answering difficult or invasive questions is far stronger than I’d realised. We did an aptitude test before being approved to teach the unit that was designed to expose internal biases, tolerance of offensive remarks and prepare us for some of the weird and wonderful questions we might receive. It gave me a sense of confidence that I could answer any question honestly.” Magnus paused dramatically, grinning and drawing it out so long Alec lifted an eyebrow in silent protest. “In hindsight, I’m almost certain that adults wrote the sample questions.”

Even though Alec had been fairly sure what was coming it didn’t stop the laughter bubbling up inside him. He tried to fight it, biting his lip as his shoulders shook but the look on Magnus’ face was too much and he let the laughter roll through him. Which set Magnus off.

“Their questions are that good, huh?” Alec asked dryly when at last they’d both calmed again.

“Oh, you have no idea, Alexander!” Magnus said with a wink. “I think, the internet has a lot to answer for. For instance, when we were talking about the need to break down stereotypes that labelled some activities as either exclusively masculine or feminine, one boy asked what it meant to ‘moan pretty’ and whether ‘boys could moan pretty or if that was only girls’.”

Alec could feel the heat rising in his cheeks and took another sip of his drink hoping the ice cream would help cool his thoughts, which had unhelpfully supplied that _if anyone was going to moan pretty it would be Magnus._

“The kids are lucky to have you, Magnus.”

“I don't know whether you realise that you were quite a hit with the students at the seminar too, Alexander,” Magnus said with a raised eyebrow. “So much so that by lunchtime the next day I had Lydia at my door demanding to know just what oration for the history books I'd allowed to be delivered in her absence.”

“It's funny, Lydia seemed to think it'd been _you_ seeking _her_ out to tell her that the kids seemed to like going off script a bit. She also seemed to think that the class weren't actually up to the whole section of consent but we - unintentionally on my part - skipped ahead without her,” Alec parried back.

“Well, it was probably more of an even split,” Magnus admitted. “But we'd both been getting asked more questions about it than we'd ever had before - kids in other classes even asked about it. So, when lunchtime came, we naturally sought each other out to compare notes.”

Alec shook his head in amusement, “All of which came as a complete surprise because, other than a few kids asking me if I was coming to any of the other sessions, none of them mentioned it to me.”

“Which means, unlike your siblings, they actually managed to respect that you might not be comfortable discussing it outside the seminar. Not a bad effort for your first class, Alec. Respecting boundaries is still a challenge for a lot of the kids.”

“The first I heard about it being a major topic of conversation was when Lydia turned up outside my office and asked point blank if I was angling for her job. I’d only just managed to convince her that hadn’t ever been part of my plan when she started asking me if I’d talk her through what I’d said. Then, if I’d be willing to write my process down so you guys could use it again in future and finally, she asked me to come back as a guest speaker.”

Magnus laughed, “She can be a little bit formidable when there’s something that she wants. It makes her the ideal co-coordinator to work with on the program. Every time we’ve asked for more funding we’ve received it almost immediately and nothing ever gets lost or forgotten. I think the kids appreciate her bluntness and realise now that you can be very direct in your approach and still have complex and deep emotions.”

“I haven’t really had a chance to work with her before, but Izzy has done quite a lot of projects with her and always says that we’re far too alike for her comfort. I still remember the first time I heard about Lydia. Izzy was trying to complain that Lydia wouldn’t let her do something that would have required bending, if not actually breaking, multiple school rules and when I took Lydia’s side she said she was so glad I’m -” Alec paused for half a second, realising with horror he’d about to say casually _‘I’m gay’_ the way Izzy had, and trying desperately to cover his mistake, “um, I’m not likely to work with her because she was worried that together we’d probably take over the institute as benevolent dictators. Then stormed off to call Jace, who was a more sympathetic listener.” Alec finished lamely, trying desperately not to freak out about whether Magnus had noticed, or more to the point, realised what he’d been about to say.

Even though the last thing he felt like doing now was eating, Alec grabbed one of the pieces of bread and cheese he’d made earlier (but apparently forgotten to eat) and put the whole lot in his mouth in one go. It wasn’t the classiest way to avoid having to answer but it might at least give him an extra 20 seconds or so if Magnus did ask him about his slip.

“Should I be worried about you potentially working with her on an extra seminar, then?” Magnus asked with a grin that bordered on flirtatious, making Alec’s insides coil just a tiny bit tighter in apprehension of what might come next. “You do both have a greater level of respect for the rules than either Isabelle or I do but I think your sister underestimates her own powers of persuasion. I have a feeling that if Lydia was going to choose one of you to take over the institute with, the fact that you were the more rational choice probably still wouldn’t stop her picking Isabelle. Despite all of their differences, or perhaps because of them, Lydia admires Isabelle and she loves the challenge of finding a way to make their two polar opposite approaches work in harmony.”   

“Is there anyone in this school who isn’t at least a little bit in love with my sister?” Alec asked with a shaky laugh laugh that was part surprise at his revelation, and part blissful relief that Magnus either hadn’t noticed or was purposefully avoiding his slip. “I don’t blame them, they should all love her because she’s wonderful but still-”  

“She is rather fabulous,” Magnus agreed, pausing to take another sip of his martini.

His words made Alec’s heart plummet - surely not Magnus _too_ ? Alec did love his siblings, more than anyone else on this planet, but in this _one_ case he really didn’t want to be second or even third in line. Just this once he wanted someone to pick _him_. Alec was just reaching for the cheese, knife in hand, figuring another piece of cheese might at least give him something to focus on while Magnus extolled the virtues of his sister, when Magnus spoke and what he said caused Alec to drop the knife he was holding.  

  
“But I think it’s safe to say, you, _Alexander_ , are by far my favourite Lightwood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who reads, and also to everyone who has left comments and kudos on this fic, it's a huge motivation for me to write faster. You can come and say hi or talk to me about the fic [Here @Intangibel](http://intangibel.tumblr.com) too. 
> 
> More soon <3


	4. The One That I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's so much to be said because Alec's never wanted anything as much as he wants this to be the start of something real. But it's never as simple as just deciding you want something and setting aside every fear you've spent a lifetime learning to expect will come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank Mich, even more than usual, for reminding me why I started writing in this fandom and how much I miss it. ILY and I hope you enjoy the new sections I'd threaded through the draft you'll recognise <3
> 
>  
> 
> To you all, I apologise unreservedly for making you wait so long. My life got crazy - I very suddenly moved over 300km (186 miles) to start a new job and it's been as stressful and exhausting as it has been rewarding. I haven't had the same time to write or be part of the fandom but I hope you'll enjoy this and forgive me ;) xx

**Chapter 4: The One That I Want**

 

The words _‘you_ , _Alexander_ , are by far my favourite Lightwood,’ echoed in Alec’s head as he looked up at Magnus, his heart racing. He knew he was staring but he couldn’t help it. Just like he couldn’t stop the heat rising in his cheeks or the irrepressible smile tugging at his lips. He’d been so sure that Magnus had been about to pick Izzy. After all, everyone else did. But he hadn’t. Magnus had chosen him and Alec had no idea how to handle that. It gave rise to the kind of hope he’d never really allowed himself to have. Hope that just maybe, Magnus might be capable of looking at him the way he looked at Magnus.

“Why is that so hard for you to believe, Alexander?” Magnus asked, tipping his head to the side as he studied him, his posture open and relaxed despite his frown. “I am here with _you_ right now.”   

Alec fought the urge to look away, the instinct to hide the feelings welling up inside from the man sitting opposite warring with a very real need to let someone in. To let Magnus in, even a little. The easy option would be to talk about Jace and Izzy, even Max, and the long shadows they cast - but it wasn’t simple.

“Have you ever wanted to be invisible?” Alec asked, abruptly breaking the silence that had fallen between them. “Not to play practical jokes or go somewhere you’re not allowed to but just so you weren’t seen by anyone but those closest to you?” Alec paused, sighed, and then continued. “There was a point growing up when I realised I wanted to be so ordinary, so inconspicuous, that no one would notice me. I just wanted to follow the rules, get good grades and make my parents proud, not be thrust into the limelight where even the smallest flaw, the tiniest misstep seemed to be magnified. So, when Jace and Izzy started stepping forward, chasing the spotlight, I stepped back and learned to blend into the background.” Alec shrugged, looking down at the pieces of bread his fingers were reducing to crumbs as he spoke, “It changed in college, when I started to forge my own path, to be known more as my own person than as Izzy or Jace’s brother, but it’s - it’s – even when I _want_ to be noticed, it’s still a surprise when someone actually does.”

Alec steeled himself to look up, expecting - pity? Exasperation? Disbelief? He couldn’t help thinking of his mother’s frustration with his reticence, with the fact that he couldn’t be as daring or as outgoing as Jace. Even though it was always Alec who dealt with the aftermath, taking responsibility for whatever the consequences of Izzy and Jace’s adventures and grand plans were, it always felt like nothing he did would ever be enough. He wasn’t sure that he could cope with seeing that disappointment on Magnus’ face but he sensed Magnus was waiting for him to look up before he spoke.  

Though there was sadness in the eyes that met his, Alec saw real empathy in Magnus’ expression when he finally looked up. For a long moment, neither of them spoke, just allowing the quiet understanding to pass between them. Alec could feel the tension that had coiled up so tightly inside him start to slowly unwind, allowing him to breathe again.

“It sounds like it was necessary to make you feel safe at the time and there’s nothing wrong with doing what you need to get by, Alec,” Magnus said quietly. “We all hide and close ourselves off in our own way. Sometimes the saddest people are the ones making everyone else laugh and even being the most noticeable person in the room can shield you from closer inspection.”

The implication, that Magnus’ own style, his way of expressing himself so ‘openly’ to the world could also help keep people at arm’s length settled like an ache in Alec’s chest. He wanted to reach out to him the way he would if it was Izzy or Jace, to create a physical connection that said all the things he struggled to say aloud. He didn’t even realise he’d moved his hand until Magnus’ gaze settled on where it hovered indecisively over Magnus’ knee. Alec felt a faint flush rise and pulled his hand back in, smoothing his palm against his jeans as he acknowledged Magnus’ wry smile with a nod and a shy smile of his own. The exchange somehow communicating without words, the offer of support (from a distance) and its acceptance without judgement or question.

“It’s not something - I wouldn’t wish that understanding on anyone but I-I- …” Alec paused, struggling for words to try to capture what it meant to him that Magnus would share that deeper insight with him when so many would merely offer platitudes. “Thank you, for telling me.”

Unsure of what to say next, Alec reached for his drink again, taking a moment to look at the way the melted ice cream mixed with the espresso and liqueur as he swirled it. The dark and light blending together as he tried to summon more courage. Courage to ask Magnus about himself, wanting to be someone Magnus didn’t feel the need to hide from and in turn, to cease hiding himself. He wanted to be seen, for who he really was, by this incredible man.  

“I remember seeing you that first day, Alexander.”

Alec could feel his heart starting to race again as Magnus started speaking, his quiet words reverberating through him like a peal of bells. Alec looked up slowly as Magnus continued, hardly able to believe it.

“I was only two vials into my pop quiz on catalysts, which is one of my favourite experiments because I can tell - better than with any written test - who in my class truly understands the topic. The ones who can predict the reaction they’re about to see and those who are still clutching at straws - all of them are drawn in, they learn from it and remember it better having seen it for themselves. It usually takes all my concentration, noticing and remembering each child’s reaction. Not just whether they’ve done the right movement and therefore correctly predicted the outcome but their expressions, whether they’re looking furtively at the people around them or trying to signal quietly to the person next to them. But when I looked up, ready to announce the contents of the third vial, there you were - a handsome stranger watching as avidly as any of the kids.”

Magnus paused and Alec could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, unable to think of a single thing to say in his surprise at Magnus calling him _handsome._ So it was a relief when Magnus continued, this time giving Alec something he could add to.

“A stranger who didn’t seem to be paying any attention to whatever Raj was trying _so_ hard to tell him.”

“Raj didn’t stand a chance,” Alec said shaking his head with a half laugh.

“Is that so? He _will_ be disappointed,” Magnus said with a wink that had Alec blushing and hurrying into an explanation, deciding to tell the whole convoluted story in the hope it might shift attention away from his last words, which revealed far more than he’d intended.

“Raj was giving me a guided tour complete with a not so brief history that included when each building had been built and renovated. By the time we got to the science blocks I was starting to hope Raj would at least tell me they’d burned down in some dramatic way because I was running out of synonyms of ‘interesting’. I said that keeping the ancient stained glass windows in the cafeteria was ‘inspired’ so clearly I was already scraping the bottom of the barrel.”

“Alexander!” Magnus exclaimed, fighting to contain his laughter.

The way he said Alec’s name made his heart beat faster, and having Magnus smile like that, with his entire attention focused on him? It felt incredible. Like happiness was rising through him like bubbles in champagne. It was all he could do to remember where he was up to in his story.

“I know! The windows are hideous but it wasn’t even my first official day yet, we were just killing time while they sorted out all the official paperwork I needed to sign, so I had to say something! But anyway, we finally made it to the science labs and Raj stopped outside your classroom. When he said this was the head of science doing a pop quiz I was expecting the familiar scene of anxiously scribbling students and a grim looking teacher but at first glance, it looked more like a magic show. It was incredible, they were being tested but they were enjoying it. Even if they were struggling and messing up the answers, all of them still _wanted_ to be involved. And even though you were putting on one hell of a show for them, I could see your eyes taking everything in - noticing who was hesitating, who was trying to bluff their way through and which kids really got it.” Realising as he’d talked he’d shifted forwards in his chair, leaning in closer to Magnus, so his knee was now pressed against the table between them, Alec quickly leaned back, grabbing his drink as though that had been what he’d been moving towards. “I - uh, I didn’t realise you’d noticed _me_ though. I hope I wasn’t distracting you from your work.”

“I was already indulging in the art of distraction to keep the kids from noticing they were being assessed, so I guess you could say I was only distracted from distraction, so what’s one more beautiful distraction thrown into the mix?” Magnus said holding up his glass in a mock salute.

“You know your T.S. Eliot, I see.” Alec grinned, pleased by both the compliment and the reference, “Somewhere out there one of your past lit teachers would be very proud.”

Alec was relieved when Magnus laughed again and the conversation moved on to trading stories about the teachers they’d had - good and bad - dispelling that tiny niggling doubt he’d had ever since that slip he’d made about Raj. But another part of him wished he hadn’t been so quick to correct the assumption, that he could go back and just see where that conversation might have led if he hadn’t. He’d realised, even on that first day, that Raj had noticed him and been interested. He’d noticed that the other man’s glances lingered just slightly too long and his eyes would dart too quickly away when Alec looked his way. It wasn’t something either ever overtly acknowledged but Alec had been glad when he’d heard in passing, a few months after he’d started, that Raj had just started seeing someone else. Because Raj was a good guy but since meeting Magnus - the truth was, no one else ever really stood a chance. Alec just hoped one day he’d actually be able to tell Magnus that, even if nothing changed between them...he wanted him to know.

Alec listened, fascinated by Magnus’ stories about what his schools had been like and some of the teachers who’d influenced a small part of who he was today. He even found himself telling stories of his own, for once not just focusing on more exciting or daring exploits of his siblings but some of the things he’d been drawn to and things he’d (more quietly) railed against. He got lost in his smiles, in the way he’d wink subtly altering the tone of a comment that had seemed oh so innocent only moments before...eating and drinking was more automatic than anything else at this point but then their fingers would brush as they each reached for something and he’d feel that spark. The one that had him seeking Magnus’ eyes even when every other instinct told him to hide, to prevent Magnus from seeing how it affected him. He should be trying to reinforce the walls that seemed to get one more crack with every innocent touch. To bury the rush of hope that maybe he wasn’t alone in wanting to reach out and take that hand and know what it felt like to hold it in his own.

“It seems, Alexander, as though we’re almost out of food,” Magnus said with a smile that set Alec’s heart racing when they’d both reached for the same knife to cut the single remaining piece of blue cheese, their hands touching again.

“We’ll just have to get dinner then,” Alec said, taking advantage of Magnus’ stunned expression to pluck the knife out of his fingers, deftly dividing the cheese into two and putting half on the wedge of apple Magnus held before his teasing words caught up with him.

He’d just - just - even his mind ground to a halt as he realised with horror he’d just casually asked Magnus out to dinner. Not even asked. He’d just assumed and now the doubt slammed back into him like an express train.

“I mean, we could also just stay here,” Alec said swallowing roughly and glancing down at his hands trying to hide his disappointment when Magnus didn’t immediately reply. “Or you know, I could - um...”

“How do you feel about Ethiopian?”

Alec’s head snapped back up, stunned to find Magnus smiling expectantly at him.

“Ethiopian?” Alec echoed dumbly as Magnus stood, pulling his coat off the back of his chair as though getting to dinner quickly was the most important thing he had to do all evening.

“Cuban? Italian? There is plenty of choices just one street over, Alec, and you’re right - I am _starving_.”

There was something about the way Magnus looked when he said that last word, Alec could have sworn…? Banishing the thought before he blushed redder than a tomato, he stood, reaching for his jacket too.

“Ethiopian it is then.” Alec said with a nod, aware he was grinning like a fool, “Lead on.”

  


<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

  


Alec got up from the couch and started pacing. Discussing his evening with Magnus was making him restless. He’d been so happy when he’d first gotten home and found Izzy waiting up for him.

They’d been so wrapped up in their conversation they’d lost track of time and it had taken one of the waiters interrupting with the bill to break the bubble. They’d looked around and realised not only had every other customer left but the staff had packed up the entire restaurant around them. Even when they’d finally left the restaurant they’d lingered on the sidewalk, neither quite ready to let go of this new connection. It felt like they’d almost said goodbye 100 times but then another conversation, another shared moment started and if it hadn’t gotten so cold Alec was pretty sure they’d still be standing there. He’d been shocked when he’d eventually gotten into his car and seen the time, not trusting that it actually was 1.15 am until he’d also checked his watch. The restaurant had kicked them out around 12.30 and he couldn’t begin to explain what they’d found to talk about for that 45 minutes but it had still been a wrench when they’d finally parted.

He was glad it had gone so well but at the same time, his conscience pricked. It wasn’t really clear when, but at some point, something shifted and it had started to feel less like a casual catch up and more like a date. A _lot_ more like a date. The fact Alec hadn’t told Magnus he was both gay and attracted to him made it seem almost like he was intentionally deceiving him. Part of him wished he hadn’t been so quick to correct the painfully accurate assumption Magnus had made when Alec had said ‘Raj didn’t ever stand a chance’. It had been an opportunity to broach the topic of his sexuality without fanfare and he’d missed it. Now he wondered where that conversation might have led if he hadn’t deflected. Even though he knew deep down he wasn’t obligated to tell him, that if anyone understood the complexities of that decision it would be Magnus, it still bothered him. Alec stopped, taking a deep breath as he turned to Izzy, trying to put some of that feeling into words.

“I know I don’t -” Alec began and then sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “It’s just - I-I feel like -” he stopped again, something preventing him from giving voice to the thoughts and feelings that swirled through him. The fear and hope and guilt were warring inside making it impossible to stay still or speak his mind.  

“Do you remember when I was in college and I started hanging out with Michael Serra?” Izzy asked, her unexpected question pulling Alec up short.

“Of course! But, I don’t see -?” Alec frowned, trying to figure out what Izzy was driving at.

“You were worried that he was so much older than I was and because you knew my schedule you sent Jace to intercept me so that you could have a chat to him on your own at the time he and I were planning to meet. But I’d skipped out of class early so Jace missed me, and I turned up to find you staring him down, asking what his intentions were.” Izzy shook her head, “I was furious with you for interfering because I thought Michael and I were just friends. That was what I wanted anyway, but then he laughed and I barely recognised him with those words coming out of his mouth. He was too dumb to realise you weren’t just another one of my friends. He didn’t even bother pretending he wanted anything more than to sleep with me and move on. If I hadn’t been so mad I would have been devastated to have lost a friend like that.”

“Iz…” Alec said moving closer, wanting to scoop Izzy up and remind her that Michael was an idiot and she deserved the world.

“It’s okay, Alec.” Izzy said halting him with a raised hand, “Really, I got over it years ago, I promise. My point is if I asked you what your intentions toward Magnus were? What you would want if you could have anything and what you’d do if he didn’t want the same thing?”   

Alec felt the urge to retreat, to deflect the conversation away from his feelings but he knew he owed it to Magnus and to himself to express what he wanted. Izzy and Jace both knew. Alec did his damndest to avoid talking about it because it had always been an unattainable dream but now...things were shifting, like sand in a desert.

“I want him to be my partner, Izzy. Not just physically but as a partner in everything. I want to be the person he comes home to, the one he shares successes and problems with, and the one standing by his side for the world to see. I want us to make dinner and breakfast and share everything in between.” Alec blushed, very aware he’d rather not expand on the specifics of _everything_ he wanted to share with Magnus with his sister, although her wink suggested she had a pretty good idea all the same.

“And,” Izzy said gently, her earlier smirk replaced with a softer expression, “If he just wanted to be friends? What then? Would you be trying to go back to the way things were before the seminar?”

Alec didn’t even need to pause to think about it. He knew he wouldn’t want to give up this newfound friendship - even if that was all it would ever be. Alec smiled sadly, feeling the tight band that had been wrapped around his chest loosen even as the ache of dashed hopes rose. “No matter what _else_ there is or isn’t between us, I want us to be friends. Now that I know what that friendship could be like - I don’t want to lose that but more than anything I respect him and I’d respect his choices, even if they didn’t include me at all.”

“See,” Izzy said smiling as she leaned over to hug him, “you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, Alec. You care about him, and no matter what happens, you’re not trying to manipulate or deceive him, you’re just both seeing where this new friendship takes you.”

“Thanks, Iz,” Alec said quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as he hugged her closer.

“But does that mean I should be looking into getting my own place? I mean if you’re planning on being at Magnus’ for dinner _and_ breakfast then you wouldn’t really need -”

“Izzy!” Alec groaned and tried to push her away, knowing he’d have Jace on his case about it in no time as well because it wasn’t the kind of confession Izzy would conveniently forget to mention to their brother. They’d been bad enough when Alec had been able to flatly deny wanting or thinking anything would ever happen between him and Magnus, now they were going to be impossible. “Just, leave it alone, okay? Let me deal with it my way.” Alec said sternly, still trying to disentangle himself but Izzy tightened her hold on him.

“I’m happy for you, Alec. Admitting how you feel is important and tonight - the fact your evening ended because the restaurant had to kick you out so the staff could go home? That’s longer than most first, second and third dates combined. You can’t be the only one that feels it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to know your thoughts on this fic. It's something i really enjoyed writing and came to me the night before I was attending a work seminar on how healthcare organisations (like hospitals) and health professionals (I'm an Occupational Therapist) can better serve people who are from the LGBTIQ Community and also how we can better discuss and include sexual health and recognise the importance of all intimate relationships in our patients. I was nervous that it might be awkward or poorly presented, as so many talks on sex can be, which got me thinking about high school and how they have a much education package now. Thus, Teacher Alec called in to substitute teach was born. The fact that the seminar was awesome completely changed the fic's direction but definitely for the better. Out with the awkward and in with the hope. <3 
> 
> You can also come chat with me on [Tumblr (@Intangibel)](http://intangibel.tumblr.com)


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